I'm on fire

Today started slow and with a little anxiety that Bev mentions previously. Once they decide to proceed it started off slow with a saline drip. Then I received BCNU (carmustine). This is a drug given to destroy cancer cells. Mary my nurse gave me a sheet and explained the side effects of BCNU. They are:
Nausea and vomiting - self explanatory
Hypotension - may cause a decrease in blood pressure which can lead to dizziness and passing out
Pancytopenia - a possible prolonged decrease in white and red cells and platelets which will require protection from infection
Muscosistis/Esophagitis - inflammation and destruction of the cell lining along the mouth, throat and stomach, may cause bleeding pain and diarrhea
Alopecia - partial or complete loss of body hair several weeks after therapy
Hyperpigmentation - darkening of the skin tone, a tan appearance
Pulmonary toxicity - thickening of the lung tissue which may occur up to several years later
Ocular toxicity - visual changes which may begin as seeing spots
Liver dysfunction - reversible injury to the liver which may cause jaundice of skin and eyes and rarely coma
Reproductive dysfunction - may cause sterility (thank God I have wonderful kids)
Secondary Malignancy - acute leukemia may also occur (the scariest of all side effects)

Knowing these, I am at the point of no return. This was literally the last moment I could back out of the entire transplant process. Once I begin my counts will go down so low that the doctors will make me continue. I have come this far. So I begin. All goes well during the first two hours. I have lunch of mac and cheese. Then several more hours and all of a sudden my mouth starts burning. My lips tingle as if they are burned from the hottest peppers I have ever eaten. The inside of my mouth is hot and won't stop burning. I start to sweat on the top of my head, yet begin to have have chills from my chest down. My blood pressure is dropping fast enough that Mary now calls in more help. She starts taking my blood pressure every few minutes. It is low at 80 over 50. Bev puts multiple blankets on me for the chills, a wet cloth on my head. I can't bear to open my eyes but I can hear what is going on. Mary says I am almost done but changes the flow of the BCNU. My blood pressure is becoming stable at least. They stop the BCNU and fill me with fluids which is causing the chills. I can't drink because my mouth hurts so bad, but then that finally starts to go away. I lose track of what is going on around me and fall asleep. Bev says the nurses keep tracking me and Mary stays with me until all is normal again. She starts the BCNU again and it finally finishes. I thanked her for staying with me when I woke back up an hour later. I took multiple nausea medicines and now I feel fine. I'm not even hurting in my chest very much like I was over the weekend.

We stopped at King Soopers to get some groceries then came "home". We had lasagna. I'm still hungry. A good sign. No signs of the hangover effect they told me I would have, just the munchies LOL! Day -7 is just about over.

God bless each one of you who read this and for your support!