This is Beverly. Writing to any friends and family that still may be occasionally checking the blog.
Can you believe it has been a year since Ken passed away????
I can't. It seems like only a few days ago, and then the next minute, it seems like it has been forever. Next Tuesday, Jan. 25th will be Ken's first birthday in Heaven. Let's all celebrate with a Coke and a smile, or a plate of spaghetti, or an ice cream sandwich; all of Ken's favorite things. I think I might have dinner at the Texas Roadhouse that night, Ken's favorite restaurant. He loved the prime rib.
For an update, I am doing OK. I am keeping busy. As long as people are around me, I seem to be able to hold things together. I am trying to sell our house. I have bought a town house and Ken would have been proud that I decorated the outside with Christmas lights. Ken loved to decorate for Christmas. He was often told by neighbors and people walking by that they enjoyed our holiday house. He always made it look festive. I am still trying to catch up on paperwork, down sizing and medical stuff. It is amazing how much there was to do when Ken passed away.
I still miss Ken every day and I have been pretty weepy this week with the approach of his anniversary. I miss some of the silly things. I miss holding hands with him the most, in the car, walking down the street, on the couch. The dogs just look at me funny and pull away when I reach for their paws while we are watching TV. I miss his laugh, his cute butt, and his way of telling me that I am beautiful. I miss the way he cared about the kids, our kids, the neighbor kids, Heidi's kids, the kids at work. It didn't matter, he cared about all of them. I even miss the arguments we used to have; mainly because I used to get flowers afterwards.
I miss him driving for me, and going shopping with me, and taking me out to dinner. I miss him so much at work. It is still sometimes hard to go to the Food Court. It will be worse when the students that worked with him are all gone. I already don't recognize so many of them. But Sundays are the worst. Most of my friends and family are busy doing their own thing, as it should be. Sundays were the days that Ken and I spent doing things alone. We had so much fun on Sundays. I think I am going to Colorado Springs this coming Sunday, to see some family. I wonder how many times Ken and I drove to Colorado Springs to see his girls. Sometimes we would drive down and back one day, only to return the very next day for another event when the kids were little. That drive was just a part of our lives. Ken never seemed to mind it.
Okay, you get the picture. We all miss him in our own way. I just spent last weekend with all 5 of our children and their families. We had a group picture taken. It turned out great. We didn't talk much about Ken. I think it is still to hard for us. We just enjoyed the company of each other and played with little Norah. She is 2 now and so adorable. She still looks a bit like her Grandpa. She calls me Grandma Bev and she likes me. It is tough having her in Chicago, but I see her every few months and we skype every week or so. She is the light of my days. I think I like this Grandma Gig.
I hope this year has brought much joy to all of you. I want to thank everyone for their support, their help, their prayers and their love this year. I couldn't have gotten through this year without all of you. I have been blessed with so much in my life, family and friends foremost. God Bless You. Love You, Bev.
PS to Ken. ISBLY (I'll Still Be Loving You)
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Some Pictures
This picture is of my dining room table and all the condolence cards we have received. Thank you for all this support. Amazing. In all these cards, there is only 1 card that is a duplicate and I received three of them. Which is fine. I will share the beautiful verse in that card....Love Lives On ... Because we loved, there will be tears. Because we laughed, there will be memories. Because we lived, ther will still be joy.
The USA Today paper is the paper that was delivered to Ken on his last day. Touched me after 20 years or more of delivering papers. Also included are the pages signed by over 200 people that attended one of his 2 services. If you didn't get a chance to sign his papers, I would love to add your name. Just let me know so I can record your support.
This pic is of the wall in Ken's hospital room during January. I took apart Norah's book they made and posted it on the wall. The picture in the middle is covered with all the Christmas pictures we received and a few other pics I wanted Ken to wake up and see. He didn't. It was really sad to take the wall down, but the nurses enjoyed it while it was up. 
These pictures are of the flowers in the church. They were all beautiful. These pictures don't do them justice.
The large red and white arrangement has a coke bottle in it. We did a coke theme at his memorial service at CSU since Ken loved his coke stuff.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
One Month Ago Today
It is Feb. 25th. Where did that month go? Ken passed away on January 25th. Seems like just last week. For me, it is still very emotional. I cry every day. I'm not sleeping well, but I didn't sleep that well before, so I'm used to that. The kids are having some of the same feelings. My ex used to call the tears happy, sad, mad, glad. All these emotions can cause tears. Mine are mostly sad, mad and extremely lonely. I miss my best friend. I miss talking to him. I know I should cancel his personal cell phone, but I can't. I keep calling it to listen to him tell me that he can't talk to me right now. I know. Maybe I can cancel it next month.
The kids are having some of the same feelings. Guilt is added in for them as well. I had 7 weeks sitting at Ken's bedside to understand why we had to let Ken go. The kids had to grasp it from a distance and it has been harder for them. They miss him too and just like me, some days are harder than others to get through. But we have been there for each other and I appreciate their support. I hope I am supporting them as well.
I have tried to write in this blog so many times. But as I start, I just can't do it. I have found myself just sitting here staring at the computer. I can't seem to get anything done. I'm barely able to keep the dishes done. My son Jeff and his wife Sara have been coming to town every weekend. They have been a huge help. I don't know why I can't get things done in between. Ken would have said "Blame it on the chemo". That was the saying for the last year. Maybe I can say, "Blame it on the grief." Or "Blame it on the Olympics". I have been totally hooked on watching the Olympics. I think it is just an excuse to veg.
So, I have been wanting to talk about Ken's memorial services. Both were so well attended. Thank you to all who came to the service at the church. Ken's friend, Scott did a great job as minister for us. And our kids, Katy, Anna and Jeff did a great job of speaking about their dad. We had the pianist play "Fur Elise" which was the song that Ken always played on the piano. In retrospect, I wish I had done a video of him playing for me. He would sometimes sit down in a hotel, in the hospital lobby and even in a store if he found a piano and play it for me. He knew I loved that song. I wish I had thought to record it. We also played our song, "I'll still be loving you" which in Jeff's word, was 'appropriate'. In so many ways, the song portrays our feelings. I'll still be loving Ken, the kids will still love him, we will still love each other and we know he will still love us from Heaven. It is a great song. The only regret about the service is that we should have had a singer for "Amazing Grace" and "How great thou art". We were all to sad to sing, so you can't even hear us on the tape. It would have been better to take the pressure off and have someone sing it for us. Oh well. We also played the "1812 Overture" as we were being dismissed from the church. I know this sounds weird, but it was one of Ken's requests. He loved the 4th of July. He was very patriotic. We have always flown a flag on our porch with a light on it, 24/7. He loves the "1812 Overture" and he wanted to go out with a bang. If you weren't able to attend the service and you want to listen to what the kids said about their dad, you can go to the following site. Jeff put it on his drop box account. You can go to this link and download it from there. Here is the link:
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/1675101/Ken/01%20Kens%20Church%20Memorial%20Service.wma
You might need to copy that and paste it into your browser. Or let me know and I can send you a link to it in email, if you can't get this to work. I can't seem to get it to go into this post as a link. It is only an audio of the service. We are getting a video of the memorial service at CSU. I hope to get it soon and I will put it on the blog as well. I am going to add some pictures of Ken's service flowers and pictures of the coke things we had on display at CSU. But I will put them in a separate blog. Thank you to all who sent flowers. They were beautiful.
The memorial service at CSU was wonderful. Ken wanted a coke toast at his service. We couldn't do it at the church, so we did it at CSU and decided to decorate the ballroom with some of Ken's coke collection. We had some of his special bottles on each of the tables and had a few things on a display table. A few people got up and talked about Ken. We played a picture montage during the whole thing and Ken was with us. During Robert, his boss's speech, in perfect timing, a picture of Ken in the hospital of Ken sticking his tongue out popped up. We all laughed. It was just as Robert was explaining the way Ken did business in the student center. Again, appropriate. The food was amazing. Shrimp was a must. Ken loved shrimp. An ice cream bar. Ken always wanted to own a Dairy Queen. He loved his ice cream and ate an ice cream sandwich every day. I am imagining Ken running the ice cream store in Walt Disney's Park in Heaven. He is having a great time serving all the kids in heaven. He would have a special smile for the cancer patients up there, especially the kids. And those of us that knew him well know that he would be laughing to get them to smile too. Anyway, the thing that made the memorial service so special was definitely all the people that attended. The catering dept said about 250 or 300 people. I know the lines were long at the food tables and there weren't enough chairs. I wish I had been able to talk to more people. I do wish I had gone up to the microphone and introduced everyone to my children. We had so many family members, my parents, Ken's mom, our brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, our unofficially adopted Heidi and her family, even my ex-husband and Ken's ex-wife along with her family, Ken's ex-family. So many friends and co-workers. And the students. So many students that have worked for Ken. It was overwhelming. And all the little kids Ken loved were there as well. I should have at least introduced everyone to my little Norah, our granddaughter. It was a wonderful memorial. The time went very quickly. Thank you to the CSU staff for making it special. Thank you to everyone that joined us for showing your support. I can't thank you enough.
God Bless You all for everything. I will be posting pictures and his video soon. Take a minute to remember Ken today. Guess you are if you are reading this. I would say have a coke every 25th of the month, but I don't want Ken to be responsible for creating more Coca-cola addicts out there. So just say a prayer and be thankful for the loved ones in your life. I love you. Bev
The kids are having some of the same feelings. Guilt is added in for them as well. I had 7 weeks sitting at Ken's bedside to understand why we had to let Ken go. The kids had to grasp it from a distance and it has been harder for them. They miss him too and just like me, some days are harder than others to get through. But we have been there for each other and I appreciate their support. I hope I am supporting them as well.
I have tried to write in this blog so many times. But as I start, I just can't do it. I have found myself just sitting here staring at the computer. I can't seem to get anything done. I'm barely able to keep the dishes done. My son Jeff and his wife Sara have been coming to town every weekend. They have been a huge help. I don't know why I can't get things done in between. Ken would have said "Blame it on the chemo". That was the saying for the last year. Maybe I can say, "Blame it on the grief." Or "Blame it on the Olympics". I have been totally hooked on watching the Olympics. I think it is just an excuse to veg.
So, I have been wanting to talk about Ken's memorial services. Both were so well attended. Thank you to all who came to the service at the church. Ken's friend, Scott did a great job as minister for us. And our kids, Katy, Anna and Jeff did a great job of speaking about their dad. We had the pianist play "Fur Elise" which was the song that Ken always played on the piano. In retrospect, I wish I had done a video of him playing for me. He would sometimes sit down in a hotel, in the hospital lobby and even in a store if he found a piano and play it for me. He knew I loved that song. I wish I had thought to record it. We also played our song, "I'll still be loving you" which in Jeff's word, was 'appropriate'. In so many ways, the song portrays our feelings. I'll still be loving Ken, the kids will still love him, we will still love each other and we know he will still love us from Heaven. It is a great song. The only regret about the service is that we should have had a singer for "Amazing Grace" and "How great thou art". We were all to sad to sing, so you can't even hear us on the tape. It would have been better to take the pressure off and have someone sing it for us. Oh well. We also played the "1812 Overture" as we were being dismissed from the church. I know this sounds weird, but it was one of Ken's requests. He loved the 4th of July. He was very patriotic. We have always flown a flag on our porch with a light on it, 24/7. He loves the "1812 Overture" and he wanted to go out with a bang. If you weren't able to attend the service and you want to listen to what the kids said about their dad, you can go to the following site. Jeff put it on his drop box account. You can go to this link and download it from there. Here is the link:
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/1675101/Ken/01%20Kens%20Church%20Memorial%20Service.wma
You might need to copy that and paste it into your browser. Or let me know and I can send you a link to it in email, if you can't get this to work. I can't seem to get it to go into this post as a link. It is only an audio of the service. We are getting a video of the memorial service at CSU. I hope to get it soon and I will put it on the blog as well. I am going to add some pictures of Ken's service flowers and pictures of the coke things we had on display at CSU. But I will put them in a separate blog. Thank you to all who sent flowers. They were beautiful.
The memorial service at CSU was wonderful. Ken wanted a coke toast at his service. We couldn't do it at the church, so we did it at CSU and decided to decorate the ballroom with some of Ken's coke collection. We had some of his special bottles on each of the tables and had a few things on a display table. A few people got up and talked about Ken. We played a picture montage during the whole thing and Ken was with us. During Robert, his boss's speech, in perfect timing, a picture of Ken in the hospital of Ken sticking his tongue out popped up. We all laughed. It was just as Robert was explaining the way Ken did business in the student center. Again, appropriate. The food was amazing. Shrimp was a must. Ken loved shrimp. An ice cream bar. Ken always wanted to own a Dairy Queen. He loved his ice cream and ate an ice cream sandwich every day. I am imagining Ken running the ice cream store in Walt Disney's Park in Heaven. He is having a great time serving all the kids in heaven. He would have a special smile for the cancer patients up there, especially the kids. And those of us that knew him well know that he would be laughing to get them to smile too. Anyway, the thing that made the memorial service so special was definitely all the people that attended. The catering dept said about 250 or 300 people. I know the lines were long at the food tables and there weren't enough chairs. I wish I had been able to talk to more people. I do wish I had gone up to the microphone and introduced everyone to my children. We had so many family members, my parents, Ken's mom, our brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, our unofficially adopted Heidi and her family, even my ex-husband and Ken's ex-wife along with her family, Ken's ex-family. So many friends and co-workers. And the students. So many students that have worked for Ken. It was overwhelming. And all the little kids Ken loved were there as well. I should have at least introduced everyone to my little Norah, our granddaughter. It was a wonderful memorial. The time went very quickly. Thank you to the CSU staff for making it special. Thank you to everyone that joined us for showing your support. I can't thank you enough.
God Bless You all for everything. I will be posting pictures and his video soon. Take a minute to remember Ken today. Guess you are if you are reading this. I would say have a coke every 25th of the month, but I don't want Ken to be responsible for creating more Coca-cola addicts out there. So just say a prayer and be thankful for the loved ones in your life. I love you. Bev
Friday, February 12, 2010
Doing Okay
Hi everyone. I didn't mean to just stop writing in the blog. I tried several times, I just couldn't do it. I have some pictures I want to put up of Ken's church service and the reception at the student center. Both were well attended and turned out very nice. The pictures are coming from friends and aren't ready yet. But soon I hope. I have been receiving many cards from family and friends. They have been very helpful. I have been keeping busy. I am now trying to go through some things at home and furnish a house for an employee in the catering dept that lost his house to a fire. I have 3 of everything in my kitchen since I used to sell kitchen stuff. So that is helping me get organized. My son and his wife have been helping a lot. I still have so much to do though. Sometimes I just sit and look at it. Can't get off the couch. But Ken would be happy that I am helping this family, so I am busy sorting stuff. I hope to have pictures and links to Ken's audio of his service up here soon if you are interested. I hope you are all doing well and remembering good things about Ken.
Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. For those that don't know this story, I will tell you what Ken sent me for Valentine's day a few years ago. I was at work in the student center and was called out into the hall to meet someone. When I got there, I saw 4 retired aged guys in white tuxs with red ties and cumberbunds. (I love guys in Tuxes since my dad ran a tux shop while I was growing up). The guys were a barbershop quartet. They handed me a dozen red roses and sang about 5 love songs to me while my husband stood by and watched, along with fellow employees and students walking down the hall. It was so cute. Everyone loved it, especially me. Ken was thoughtful and I plan to spend Valentine's Day being thoughtful of our time together. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. Bev
Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. For those that don't know this story, I will tell you what Ken sent me for Valentine's day a few years ago. I was at work in the student center and was called out into the hall to meet someone. When I got there, I saw 4 retired aged guys in white tuxs with red ties and cumberbunds. (I love guys in Tuxes since my dad ran a tux shop while I was growing up). The guys were a barbershop quartet. They handed me a dozen red roses and sang about 5 love songs to me while my husband stood by and watched, along with fellow employees and students walking down the hall. It was so cute. Everyone loved it, especially me. Ken was thoughtful and I plan to spend Valentine's Day being thoughtful of our time together. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. Bev
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Ken's Obituary
Hi everyone, Sorry this is late. I should have put this up earlier today. We have been very busy with plans. Below is the picture of Ken that we used and the obituary information. It will be in the Coloradoan paper tomorrow. You can add memorial messages here or at http:/www.BohlenderfuneralChapel.com.
Here is the Obituary.
Kenneth Andrew DeVault, 53, died January 25, 2010 of complications from non-Hodgkins lymphoma against which he fought valiantly.
Ken was born on October 24th, 1956 in Dallas, Texas. He lived in Colorado most of his adult life where he married his wife, Beverly on May 5, 1989. Ken was a restaurateur who led several food services to success and profit. Most recently Ken was Retail Operations Manager of the Lory Student Center Food Court at Colorado State University where he loved working among the vibrant college crowd.
Ken was a loving husband and father who found great joy in spending time with his family. He also enjoyed traveling, eating out and drinking an ice cold can of classic Coca-Cola.
He is survived by his devoted wife, Beverly of Fort Collins; his loving children; daughters, Katy DeVault Kaufman (husband, Mark) of Chicago Illinois, Anna DeVault of Astoria, New York, and Tessa DeVault of Steamboat Springs Colorado; step-daughter, Stephanie Eberl of Windsor Colorado and step-son, Jeff Eberl (wife Sara) of Golden Colorado; and his adorable granddaughter, Norah Kaufman. He is also survived by his mother (Muzz), Elaine DeVault and siblings, Cathey Donaldson, Rickey DeVault and Lisa DeVault.
He is preceded in death by his father, Herschel DeVault.
Memorial services will be held Thursday, January 28, 1:00 p.m. at First United Methodist Church of Fort Collins followed by a celebration of Ken's life at the CSU Lory Student Center, North Ballroom at 3:00 p.m. In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions can be made in Ken's name to: Bohlender Funeral Chapel, 121 West Olive St, Fort Collins, CO 80524.
Here is the Obituary.
Kenneth Andrew DeVault, 53, died January 25, 2010 of complications from non-Hodgkins lymphoma against which he fought valiantly.
Ken was born on October 24th, 1956 in Dallas, Texas. He lived in Colorado most of his adult life where he married his wife, Beverly on May 5, 1989. Ken was a restaurateur who led several food services to success and profit. Most recently Ken was Retail Operations Manager of the Lory Student Center Food Court at Colorado State University where he loved working among the vibrant college crowd.
Ken was a loving husband and father who found great joy in spending time with his family. He also enjoyed traveling, eating out and drinking an ice cold can of classic Coca-Cola.
He is survived by his devoted wife, Beverly of Fort Collins; his loving children; daughters, Katy DeVault Kaufman (husband, Mark) of Chicago Illinois, Anna DeVault of Astoria, New York, and Tessa DeVault of Steamboat Springs Colorado; step-daughter, Stephanie Eberl of Windsor Colorado and step-son, Jeff Eberl (wife Sara) of Golden Colorado; and his adorable granddaughter, Norah Kaufman. He is also survived by his mother (Muzz), Elaine DeVault and siblings, Cathey Donaldson, Rickey DeVault and Lisa DeVault.
He is preceded in death by his father, Herschel DeVault.
Memorial services will be held Thursday, January 28, 1:00 p.m. at First United Methodist Church of Fort Collins followed by a celebration of Ken's life at the CSU Lory Student Center, North Ballroom at 3:00 p.m. In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions can be made in Ken's name to: Bohlender Funeral Chapel, 121 West Olive St, Fort Collins, CO 80524.
Ken's final day
Tues, Day +1: It is quiet in the house this morning. All our children are here except Stephanie. She isn't far away and will be here soon. I can't remember the last time they were all in the house for an overnight. they will be here all week. Ken would have loved to hear them tell stories and laugh together. It is a comfort to me.
Let me talk about yesterday, Day 0.
It started quiet as I woke up on the air mattress in Ken's room. I had packed up the stuff in Ken's closet the night before, my clothes, Ken's coat and robe, his Christmas presents, the books and puzzles that were keeping me company. The nurse brought me a cart and I loaded it up. Jeff and Sara took it to my car when they arrived a few hours later. Then I pulled my chair up next to Ken and opened the bible to read. I couldn't see the words through my tears, so I just laid Ken's hand on the bible and sat and talked to him for a couple of hours. Ken's brother Rick arrived at 7:30. We talked for a few minutes and then I left to fun over to the cancer center across the street. I wanted to see Dr. Matous one more time. I wanted to catch him early, before his patients started coming. But he wasn't there, so I came right back. I was only gone 15 minutes. Rick and I talked for a few more minutes and the kids started to arrive. Jeff and Sara were first, then Stephanie, Anna and Tessa, then Katy and Mark. Rick left around 9 and we all sat in Ken's room and talked to him. We took turns reading from the bible. We found a classical web site to play better music for Ken than the hospital station we had been listening to. At 10:00, Dr. Kobitary came in to talk to us. He explained more about Ken's ARDS disease. We asked questions about how they know for sure. He explained the choices we had to let Ken go or the keep him on a respirator, but that he wouldn't ever be able to breathe without it. We asked about the procedure so we were prepared for what would happen. He said they would continue with all the things they were still doing to keep Ken sedated. They would add morphine injections to keep Ken comfortable and not feel the stress of not being able to breathe. He said it could take anywhere from a few minutes to a couple of days, but in Ken, they didn't think it would take very long.
We also asked about an autopsy. Ken had wanted to be an organ donor. He cannot be now since he had cancer. But the kids and I all agreed that if something could be learned about what happened to Ken by looking in his lungs, Ken would have wanted that. He was always proud that he got to work in the university and help his students learn about running a business. Now we hope he can help the doctors with something that will help other doctors help patients. We agreed to have the autopsy of his lungs.
After the doctors left, they told us we could take as much time as we need, no time line for them. We decided to rotate through the room and each have our own time alone with Ken. Ken's wish was that he not be alone at this time, so we made sure someone was with him every minute. We also thought we had better get something to eat, so the kids trickled down to the lunch room and Steph brought me back a small sandwich. I can't believe I ate it, but my stomach had been feeling queasy and it helped.
Once we had all eaten and had our time alone with Ken, we asked my Uncle Stan to come in. Stan read some bible passages to all of us and said a prayer for Ken. Then it was time to let the nurses in. The nurse gave Ken his first shot of morphine and the respiratory people came in and removed the respirator. The process had begun. We all sat around Ken, quietly at first, watching him breathe. Then we decided to tell stories and share memories. All the while we touched Ken, told him we loved him and watched him breathe slower and slower. He stayed with us for an hour and 20 minutes. The time flew by. Seemed like it was taking forever since we didn't want him to suffer. But it seemed like it was over in a flash since we didn't want him to leave us. My uncle instilled in us that we weren't letting him go, we were turning him over to God. I kept telling that to Ken as his breathing slowed and his color changed. Ken was then with God. Ken went very peacefully, no grasping for breath, no pain in his eyes. He did open them a little for a while and it seemed that he was watching me as we talked. I know he was hearing us. I hope he wasn't to scared, though he did have a few tears.
Through all of this, we were supported in the lobby by my parents, Toby, Stan and Leah, and Mark's mom, Linda who was watching little Norah. We were also supported by all of you. You can't even imagine how comforting it is to read what you are writing and to know that you are a part of our story. Thank you for that.
The day ended with all of us at home. We made spaghetti, Ken's favorite. We looked at pictures and talked till I dropped at 10:30. I was exhausted. I thought it would be hard to sleep, but it wasn't. I dreamed of Ken and he is with me. He will always be with me.
Let me talk about yesterday, Day 0.
It started quiet as I woke up on the air mattress in Ken's room. I had packed up the stuff in Ken's closet the night before, my clothes, Ken's coat and robe, his Christmas presents, the books and puzzles that were keeping me company. The nurse brought me a cart and I loaded it up. Jeff and Sara took it to my car when they arrived a few hours later. Then I pulled my chair up next to Ken and opened the bible to read. I couldn't see the words through my tears, so I just laid Ken's hand on the bible and sat and talked to him for a couple of hours. Ken's brother Rick arrived at 7:30. We talked for a few minutes and then I left to fun over to the cancer center across the street. I wanted to see Dr. Matous one more time. I wanted to catch him early, before his patients started coming. But he wasn't there, so I came right back. I was only gone 15 minutes. Rick and I talked for a few more minutes and the kids started to arrive. Jeff and Sara were first, then Stephanie, Anna and Tessa, then Katy and Mark. Rick left around 9 and we all sat in Ken's room and talked to him. We took turns reading from the bible. We found a classical web site to play better music for Ken than the hospital station we had been listening to. At 10:00, Dr. Kobitary came in to talk to us. He explained more about Ken's ARDS disease. We asked questions about how they know for sure. He explained the choices we had to let Ken go or the keep him on a respirator, but that he wouldn't ever be able to breathe without it. We asked about the procedure so we were prepared for what would happen. He said they would continue with all the things they were still doing to keep Ken sedated. They would add morphine injections to keep Ken comfortable and not feel the stress of not being able to breathe. He said it could take anywhere from a few minutes to a couple of days, but in Ken, they didn't think it would take very long.
We also asked about an autopsy. Ken had wanted to be an organ donor. He cannot be now since he had cancer. But the kids and I all agreed that if something could be learned about what happened to Ken by looking in his lungs, Ken would have wanted that. He was always proud that he got to work in the university and help his students learn about running a business. Now we hope he can help the doctors with something that will help other doctors help patients. We agreed to have the autopsy of his lungs.
After the doctors left, they told us we could take as much time as we need, no time line for them. We decided to rotate through the room and each have our own time alone with Ken. Ken's wish was that he not be alone at this time, so we made sure someone was with him every minute. We also thought we had better get something to eat, so the kids trickled down to the lunch room and Steph brought me back a small sandwich. I can't believe I ate it, but my stomach had been feeling queasy and it helped.
Once we had all eaten and had our time alone with Ken, we asked my Uncle Stan to come in. Stan read some bible passages to all of us and said a prayer for Ken. Then it was time to let the nurses in. The nurse gave Ken his first shot of morphine and the respiratory people came in and removed the respirator. The process had begun. We all sat around Ken, quietly at first, watching him breathe. Then we decided to tell stories and share memories. All the while we touched Ken, told him we loved him and watched him breathe slower and slower. He stayed with us for an hour and 20 minutes. The time flew by. Seemed like it was taking forever since we didn't want him to suffer. But it seemed like it was over in a flash since we didn't want him to leave us. My uncle instilled in us that we weren't letting him go, we were turning him over to God. I kept telling that to Ken as his breathing slowed and his color changed. Ken was then with God. Ken went very peacefully, no grasping for breath, no pain in his eyes. He did open them a little for a while and it seemed that he was watching me as we talked. I know he was hearing us. I hope he wasn't to scared, though he did have a few tears.
Through all of this, we were supported in the lobby by my parents, Toby, Stan and Leah, and Mark's mom, Linda who was watching little Norah. We were also supported by all of you. You can't even imagine how comforting it is to read what you are writing and to know that you are a part of our story. Thank you for that.
The day ended with all of us at home. We made spaghetti, Ken's favorite. We looked at pictures and talked till I dropped at 10:30. I was exhausted. I thought it would be hard to sleep, but it wasn't. I dreamed of Ken and he is with me. He will always be with me.
Monday, January 25, 2010
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