Ken's final day

Tues, Day +1: It is quiet in the house this morning. All our children are here except Stephanie. She isn't far away and will be here soon. I can't remember the last time they were all in the house for an overnight. they will be here all week. Ken would have loved to hear them tell stories and laugh together. It is a comfort to me.
Let me talk about yesterday, Day 0.
It started quiet as I woke up on the air mattress in Ken's room. I had packed up the stuff in Ken's closet the night before, my clothes, Ken's coat and robe, his Christmas presents, the books and puzzles that were keeping me company. The nurse brought me a cart and I loaded it up. Jeff and Sara took it to my car when they arrived a few hours later. Then I pulled my chair up next to Ken and opened the bible to read. I couldn't see the words through my tears, so I just laid Ken's hand on the bible and sat and talked to him for a couple of hours. Ken's brother Rick arrived at 7:30. We talked for a few minutes and then I left to fun over to the cancer center across the street. I wanted to see Dr. Matous one more time. I wanted to catch him early, before his patients started coming. But he wasn't there, so I came right back. I was only gone 15 minutes. Rick and I talked for a few more minutes and the kids started to arrive. Jeff and Sara were first, then Stephanie, Anna and Tessa, then Katy and Mark. Rick left around 9 and we all sat in Ken's room and talked to him. We took turns reading from the bible. We found a classical web site to play better music for Ken than the hospital station we had been listening to. At 10:00, Dr. Kobitary came in to talk to us. He explained more about Ken's ARDS disease. We asked questions about how they know for sure. He explained the choices we had to let Ken go or the keep him on a respirator, but that he wouldn't ever be able to breathe without it. We asked about the procedure so we were prepared for what would happen. He said they would continue with all the things they were still doing to keep Ken sedated. They would add morphine injections to keep Ken comfortable and not feel the stress of not being able to breathe. He said it could take anywhere from a few minutes to a couple of days, but in Ken, they didn't think it would take very long.
We also asked about an autopsy. Ken had wanted to be an organ donor. He cannot be now since he had cancer. But the kids and I all agreed that if something could be learned about what happened to Ken by looking in his lungs, Ken would have wanted that. He was always proud that he got to work in the university and help his students learn about running a business. Now we hope he can help the doctors with something that will help other doctors help patients. We agreed to have the autopsy of his lungs.
After the doctors left, they told us we could take as much time as we need, no time line for them. We decided to rotate through the room and each have our own time alone with Ken. Ken's wish was that he not be alone at this time, so we made sure someone was with him every minute. We also thought we had better get something to eat, so the kids trickled down to the lunch room and Steph brought me back a small sandwich. I can't believe I ate it, but my stomach had been feeling queasy and it helped.
Once we had all eaten and had our time alone with Ken, we asked my Uncle Stan to come in. Stan read some bible passages to all of us and said a prayer for Ken. Then it was time to let the nurses in. The nurse gave Ken his first shot of morphine and the respiratory people came in and removed the respirator. The process had begun. We all sat around Ken, quietly at first, watching him breathe. Then we decided to tell stories and share memories. All the while we touched Ken, told him we loved him and watched him breathe slower and slower. He stayed with us for an hour and 20 minutes. The time flew by. Seemed like it was taking forever since we didn't want him to suffer. But it seemed like it was over in a flash since we didn't want him to leave us. My uncle instilled in us that we weren't letting him go, we were turning him over to God. I kept telling that to Ken as his breathing slowed and his color changed. Ken was then with God. Ken went very peacefully, no grasping for breath, no pain in his eyes. He did open them a little for a while and it seemed that he was watching me as we talked. I know he was hearing us. I hope he wasn't to scared, though he did have a few tears.
Through all of this, we were supported in the lobby by my parents, Toby, Stan and Leah, and Mark's mom, Linda who was watching little Norah. We were also supported by all of you. You can't even imagine how comforting it is to read what you are writing and to know that you are a part of our story. Thank you for that.
The day ended with all of us at home. We made spaghetti, Ken's favorite. We looked at pictures and talked till I dropped at 10:30. I was exhausted. I thought it would be hard to sleep, but it wasn't. I dreamed of Ken and he is with me. He will always be with me.