Day -4 - Anticipation

I love ketchup on lots of things. Eggs, burgers, fries, all the normal things. It is my favorite condiment. I have associated for years the Carly Simon song Anticipation to the movement of ketchup. LOL! Here in Denver I have been feeling a lot of anticipation. Although not necessarily about what I thought it would be about.

I am so thankful I am not in the hospital but instead able to do this as outpatient so far. This allows me to still drive around with Bev and even go into Target and King Soopers while I still feel well. I just avoid sick people. And don't touch much of anything. And use lots of sanitizer. But these visits are really making me anticipate the holidays.

For years in Fort Collins I have been one of those types that are standing in line at 3 am waiting for Best Buy to open on black Friday. I had been lucky enough to always at least be along the front of the store before the line turned down the side and went back and across to Savers. One year my item, a VCR player was in a stack right inside the door. I was able to pick it up right away, and maybe one more small item up front, and I was the first to be rung out through the registers. I held my conquest up high as I exited while others were still streaming in and received many cheers! It was strangely exhilarating.

Several years ago we were staying with my in laws in the Phoenix area. At the last minute of Thanksgiving night, Bev and I decided to hit a Target store for black Friday. Sure enough, this time she let me off and I was first in line, a first ever. I stayed there overnight and later she came and spelled me to be able to sleep a little in the car. It's a lot warmer in Phoenix than in Fort Collins to stand outside all night. LOL! The crowds grew. It was fun meeting others and planning strategies about how to attack the store. As the time got near, the staff would come out and introduce themselves and even had snacks. They would explain their rule of no running once the doors opened. Finally they were ready and so were we. They opened the doors and I have never done speed walking faster back to the electronics department on the far side of the store than that morning. Just about a third of the way, all of a sudden I was passed up by a guy running by the checkout lanes in the main aisle. People behind me were hollering that this guy was running and not to be outdone I started hollering and pointing at him also. Target employees were great. They stopped the guy and told him he had to leave because of no running. Just like they said. I'm not sure to this day what finally happened because I just kept speed walking to my destination to get some very inexpensive photo frames that replay pictures over and over. It was the rage that year. It was fun to me to get caught up in the crowds. It has been ever since I was a little boy going to North Park shopping center in Dallas standing on the second floor looking down and only seeing heads as far as the eye could see.

Two months ago I was anticipating a much different scenario for this time. Death. I was afraid I would die around the holidays and thought how terrible that would be for my family and friends. I was contemplating making my will and "Five Wishes" concerning how I would like things to end. How would my funeral service go? Who would the minister be? What music would play? Would everyone leave drinking a coke? To be honest only a third of this stuff has been decided. I am still not ready. I am anticipating better things ahead.

I believe there is no better time than Thanksgiving and the entire Christmas season to anticipate change for everything. Thanksgiving provides the perfect time to be thankful for all that we have; to be able to forgive those we struggle to forgive during the year, to count our blessings for family, friends, health, living in the Untied States of America as well as many other blessings God has given us. I am thankful I am still alive after quite a year of change. I am thankful for my family and friends, doctors/nurses and hospitals, the military, and a new sense of everyone I run into being more friendly than what I remember before cancer.

Christmas to me brings the season of hope. Jesus is the reason for the season. I can not honestly say I have been a good Christian most of my life. I am more one of those that would go to church to ask forgiveness then not forgive or live right during the following week. I am a sinner and have struggled most of my life. There have been those moments when I knew that God was with me however so I do know that he exists. I have just forgotten about that when it was more convenient to me. The anticipation of a birth of any child, grandchild or whoever is always a happy and exciting time for all involved. I know this joy again this year at the birth of Norah our granddaughter and Bella Claire, Ben and Mary's daughter. This year more than ever I feel the upcoming birth of Jesus means more to me now than ever. I do not feel the fear of death as much now as the anticipation of the upcoming year.

That is not to say that I don't anticipate the challenges ahead with a little fear. As I write this, I am hiccuping again. That has become my badge of chemo. I hate it but have to accept it. The docs and nurses say that day +5 I will probably start going downhill as the chemo takes effect before my stem cells take hold and boost my immunity. They say it will be harder then anything I have been through. They are already saying that I might need infusions of blood before this weekend is out due to low counts. For one hour this past Monday I struggled mightily with my first dose of BEAM when I thought I was on fire. I know challenges lie ahead.

But all I want to do is anticipate what I would do for shopping on black Friday! It's the hunter gatherer part of me. It is after all only one week away! LOL!

What are you anticipating for the holidays? I sincerely hope all your wishes come true. You have certainly made my year and Bev's more survivable by your support. Thank you and God Bless You!