Giving back

Tuesday has been a day of giving back. I have been giving back drugs and attachments back to the hospital, as I slowly get disconnected from things because I am closer to going home. I am down to one bag of saline on my pole, where before more than four had hung. And the only real reason for this is for insurance purposes since I am in the hospital. I just have to push it around everywhere I go. Most of my medicine is now by pill form. This morning I lost count at 11 pills. I became nauseous the worst this morning, but was finally able to eat all three meals. Wound up sleeping a lot especially now that Bev was gone to work.
This afternoon I finally met people from the ENT team. They sprayed my nose with a relaxant and then put a camera into my nose so they could see into my throat. I told them that while they may be used to that, I thought it to be creepy. I had to close my eyes because I didn't want to watch. They told me everything they were doing and seeing. I made several noises and sounds, swallowed and coughed, and then they told me what they think. I have a paralyzed left vocal chord, probably from nerve damage done during my first biopsy. The right chord is moving and tries to compensate, but the left is just sitting there. There is a procedure that would be temporary where they can move my left vocal chord over which would improve tone of voice but make my airway smaller. If that worked, they could hospitalize me and make that permanent. Or the nerve might just be damaged and return to working on its own over 6 months or longer. If the nerve is cut, it would probably never fix itself. Their recommendation was to not doing anything yet since so much other stuff has been going on. They are here in Denver so I can do the temporary procedure anytime as an outpatient in the future. Of course over dinner, Bev said since my life has changed, the first part I was loud and now the second part I might be more soft spoken. A real change.
I am preparing mentally for when I see people again. I am different. Thinner, balder, might have to wear a mask at certain times. I can honestly say when I would see people like me I would wonder what is going on and feel sorry for them. But I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am me, just changed. Not for the worse, not for the better, just changed. Through all of your support, I have been able to handle these changes and can continue to do so. I just want to look into peoples eyes and see me for who I am, not what is wrong with me. That has been my life changing epiphany, as I look at those on my Oncology floor around me. I now see them as people also, changed but fighting to survive for their loved ones. I feel as though I am giving back to them the love and support you have shared with me by just saying hello as we pass in the halls or as I look in the rooms and nod. Giving back is a good thing. It means I am almost ready to go home. It also means I have changed my outlook on life and to others. Thank you for you assistance in teaching me to give back.