Tough Time - Ken writes

When I have written in the past I always tried to relate to something that has occurred in my life in the past. I feel I need to write but this time I don't know where I am going. I'm 52, I'm neutrapenic, and now I have swine flu. Now I think I made a mistake by making fun of it, laughing at a picture of a farm with a pig and cow looking through a fence at each other, the cow says swine flu and the pig says mad cow. It was funny at the time. I am depressed so if you don't care for negativity please don't read on. My daughter Tessa always tells me to tell the cancer,"Bring it on Bitch." But right now I can't say that anymore. I am tired, depressed, wondering if I will die. Yes die. Bev left early this morning to get back to Ft. Collins, after she left I couldn't get back to sleep. I actually feel a little better today than yesterday. Yesterday, I had the hiccups bad and was throwing up every three or four hours. I thought I was dying. They finally got it fixed by the evening. I started crying this morning. I had seen several news reports about H1N1. They say a cough is the bad thing and now they think it might be lasting longer than originally thought. Then today I saw on the noon news CSU is reporting 60 new confirmed cases of h1n1 for a total now of 400 cases. I wonder if I am one of them. I feel so alone here when Bev is not here. Everyone has to wear a mask, wash their hands if they touch anything in my room. I couldn't sleep Monday night and went for a walk around the hall. I didn't make it too far at 3:30 am before a nurse came and said no walking without a mask. I have not felt like going out of the room again. I don't want to give this to anyone. I am so worried about Bev who stays in my room all the time with a mask on. Surreal. So this morning I finally got the courage to ask the nurse, Kelly, a serious question. I am realistic enough to hear the reports and conversations from my doctors about h1n1 and that while most people can push through it like a normal flu, others die. My neutrapenic week has just begun today. Because of the holiday last week and a scheduling problem Tuesday I couldn't get chemo until Wednesday. Because of that I would normally start rebounding by today, but instead am just going down. The doctor had said as soon as we see your counts go up, you can probably go home. But each day since he has come in saying they are still going down, and extending my length of stay expectancy. So I ask her what do you look for in a patient that has no level of immunity and has h1n1, what is the important sign of people who die. She said oxygen. The level has to be 90 or above. Problem. The other night mine was at 87 and they gave me oxygen overnight. At the time I didn't know why. Scared me now that she explained. I have been lucky since then that I have remained around 92-93. Your mind can play tricks on you when you're in the hospital. I don't want to die. I love news. Yet every broadcast talks about h1n1. And I figured earlier it wasn't that big a deal. Realistically it's not to most people. But now it is for me. Payback is hell. I am going through fever cycles, I cough occasionally, they just took another xray of my chest, blood tests everyday. Now they say I might be dehydrated. It never ends. I saw Patrick Swaze died of cancer, and Mary of Peter, Paul and Mary died of leukemia. I was so happy to be in Chicago and see the wonderful things that TNT does for people with leukemia and lymphoma. And the support they keep giving. But my friends here at work and my neighbors have been the most awesome experience. I feel closer to them now then ever before. And Bev. What can you say about her. We are closer now then ever before. I love her so much, as all the rest of you. Sorry for the rambling. Thanks for your support. It means more than you can ever know.