It is Feb. 25th. Where did that month go? Ken passed away on January 25th. Seems like just last week. For me, it is still very emotional. I cry every day. I'm not sleeping well, but I didn't sleep that well before, so I'm used to that. The kids are having some of the same feelings. My ex used to call the tears happy, sad, mad, glad. All these emotions can cause tears. Mine are mostly sad, mad and extremely lonely. I miss my best friend. I miss talking to him. I know I should cancel his personal cell phone, but I can't. I keep calling it to listen to him tell me that he can't talk to me right now. I know. Maybe I can cancel it next month.
The kids are having some of the same feelings. Guilt is added in for them as well. I had 7 weeks sitting at Ken's bedside to understand why we had to let Ken go. The kids had to grasp it from a distance and it has been harder for them. They miss him too and just like me, some days are harder than others to get through. But we have been there for each other and I appreciate their support. I hope I am supporting them as well.
I have tried to write in this blog so many times. But as I start, I just can't do it. I have found myself just sitting here staring at the computer. I can't seem to get anything done. I'm barely able to keep the dishes done. My son Jeff and his wife Sara have been coming to town every weekend. They have been a huge help. I don't know why I can't get things done in between. Ken would have said "Blame it on the chemo". That was the saying for the last year. Maybe I can say, "Blame it on the grief." Or "Blame it on the Olympics". I have been totally hooked on watching the Olympics. I think it is just an excuse to veg.
So, I have been wanting to talk about Ken's memorial services. Both were so well attended. Thank you to all who came to the service at the church. Ken's friend, Scott did a great job as minister for us. And our kids, Katy, Anna and Jeff did a great job of speaking about their dad. We had the pianist play "Fur Elise" which was the song that Ken always played on the piano. In retrospect, I wish I had done a video of him playing for me. He would sometimes sit down in a hotel, in the hospital lobby and even in a store if he found a piano and play it for me. He knew I loved that song. I wish I had thought to record it. We also played our song, "I'll still be loving you" which in Jeff's word, was 'appropriate'. In so many ways, the song portrays our feelings. I'll still be loving Ken, the kids will still love him, we will still love each other and we know he will still love us from Heaven. It is a great song. The only regret about the service is that we should have had a singer for "Amazing Grace" and "How great thou art". We were all to sad to sing, so you can't even hear us on the tape. It would have been better to take the pressure off and have someone sing it for us. Oh well. We also played the "1812 Overture" as we were being dismissed from the church. I know this sounds weird, but it was one of Ken's requests. He loved the 4th of July. He was very patriotic. We have always flown a flag on our porch with a light on it, 24/7. He loves the "1812 Overture" and he wanted to go out with a bang. If you weren't able to attend the service and you want to listen to what the kids said about their dad, you can go to the following site. Jeff put it on his drop box account. You can go to this link and download it from there. Here is the link:
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/1675101/Ken/01%20Kens%20Church%20Memorial%20Service.wma
You might need to copy that and paste it into your browser. Or let me know and I can send you a link to it in email, if you can't get this to work. I can't seem to get it to go into this post as a link. It is only an audio of the service. We are getting a video of the memorial service at CSU. I hope to get it soon and I will put it on the blog as well. I am going to add some pictures of Ken's service flowers and pictures of the coke things we had on display at CSU. But I will put them in a separate blog. Thank you to all who sent flowers. They were beautiful.
The memorial service at CSU was wonderful. Ken wanted a coke toast at his service. We couldn't do it at the church, so we did it at CSU and decided to decorate the ballroom with some of Ken's coke collection. We had some of his special bottles on each of the tables and had a few things on a display table. A few people got up and talked about Ken. We played a picture montage during the whole thing and Ken was with us. During Robert, his boss's speech, in perfect timing, a picture of Ken in the hospital of Ken sticking his tongue out popped up. We all laughed. It was just as Robert was explaining the way Ken did business in the student center. Again, appropriate. The food was amazing. Shrimp was a must. Ken loved shrimp. An ice cream bar. Ken always wanted to own a Dairy Queen. He loved his ice cream and ate an ice cream sandwich every day. I am imagining Ken running the ice cream store in Walt Disney's Park in Heaven. He is having a great time serving all the kids in heaven. He would have a special smile for the cancer patients up there, especially the kids. And those of us that knew him well know that he would be laughing to get them to smile too. Anyway, the thing that made the memorial service so special was definitely all the people that attended. The catering dept said about 250 or 300 people. I know the lines were long at the food tables and there weren't enough chairs. I wish I had been able to talk to more people. I do wish I had gone up to the microphone and introduced everyone to my children. We had so many family members, my parents, Ken's mom, our brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, our unofficially adopted Heidi and her family, even my ex-husband and Ken's ex-wife along with her family, Ken's ex-family. So many friends and co-workers. And the students. So many students that have worked for Ken. It was overwhelming. And all the little kids Ken loved were there as well. I should have at least introduced everyone to my little Norah, our granddaughter. It was a wonderful memorial. The time went very quickly. Thank you to the CSU staff for making it special. Thank you to everyone that joined us for showing your support. I can't thank you enough.
God Bless You all for everything. I will be posting pictures and his video soon. Take a minute to remember Ken today. Guess you are if you are reading this. I would say have a coke every 25th of the month, but I don't want Ken to be responsible for creating more Coca-cola addicts out there. So just say a prayer and be thankful for the loved ones in your life. I love you. Bev
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Doing Okay
Hi everyone. I didn't mean to just stop writing in the blog. I tried several times, I just couldn't do it. I have some pictures I want to put up of Ken's church service and the reception at the student center. Both were well attended and turned out very nice. The pictures are coming from friends and aren't ready yet. But soon I hope. I have been receiving many cards from family and friends. They have been very helpful. I have been keeping busy. I am now trying to go through some things at home and furnish a house for an employee in the catering dept that lost his house to a fire. I have 3 of everything in my kitchen since I used to sell kitchen stuff. So that is helping me get organized. My son and his wife have been helping a lot. I still have so much to do though. Sometimes I just sit and look at it. Can't get off the couch. But Ken would be happy that I am helping this family, so I am busy sorting stuff. I hope to have pictures and links to Ken's audio of his service up here soon if you are interested. I hope you are all doing well and remembering good things about Ken.
Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. For those that don't know this story, I will tell you what Ken sent me for Valentine's day a few years ago. I was at work in the student center and was called out into the hall to meet someone. When I got there, I saw 4 retired aged guys in white tuxs with red ties and cumberbunds. (I love guys in Tuxes since my dad ran a tux shop while I was growing up). The guys were a barbershop quartet. They handed me a dozen red roses and sang about 5 love songs to me while my husband stood by and watched, along with fellow employees and students walking down the hall. It was so cute. Everyone loved it, especially me. Ken was thoughtful and I plan to spend Valentine's Day being thoughtful of our time together. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. Bev
Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. For those that don't know this story, I will tell you what Ken sent me for Valentine's day a few years ago. I was at work in the student center and was called out into the hall to meet someone. When I got there, I saw 4 retired aged guys in white tuxs with red ties and cumberbunds. (I love guys in Tuxes since my dad ran a tux shop while I was growing up). The guys were a barbershop quartet. They handed me a dozen red roses and sang about 5 love songs to me while my husband stood by and watched, along with fellow employees and students walking down the hall. It was so cute. Everyone loved it, especially me. Ken was thoughtful and I plan to spend Valentine's Day being thoughtful of our time together. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. Bev
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Ken's Obituary
Hi everyone, Sorry this is late. I should have put this up earlier today. We have been very busy with plans. Below is the picture of Ken that we used and the obituary information. It will be in the Coloradoan paper tomorrow. You can add memorial messages here or at http:/www.BohlenderfuneralChapel.com.
Here is the Obituary.
Kenneth Andrew DeVault, 53, died January 25, 2010 of complications from non-Hodgkins lymphoma against which he fought valiantly.
Ken was born on October 24th, 1956 in Dallas, Texas. He lived in Colorado most of his adult life where he married his wife, Beverly on May 5, 1989. Ken was a restaurateur who led several food services to success and profit. Most recently Ken was Retail Operations Manager of the Lory Student Center Food Court at Colorado State University where he loved working among the vibrant college crowd.
Ken was a loving husband and father who found great joy in spending time with his family. He also enjoyed traveling, eating out and drinking an ice cold can of classic Coca-Cola.
He is survived by his devoted wife, Beverly of Fort Collins; his loving children; daughters, Katy DeVault Kaufman (husband, Mark) of Chicago Illinois, Anna DeVault of Astoria, New York, and Tessa DeVault of Steamboat Springs Colorado; step-daughter, Stephanie Eberl of Windsor Colorado and step-son, Jeff Eberl (wife Sara) of Golden Colorado; and his adorable granddaughter, Norah Kaufman. He is also survived by his mother (Muzz), Elaine DeVault and siblings, Cathey Donaldson, Rickey DeVault and Lisa DeVault.
He is preceded in death by his father, Herschel DeVault.
Memorial services will be held Thursday, January 28, 1:00 p.m. at First United Methodist Church of Fort Collins followed by a celebration of Ken's life at the CSU Lory Student Center, North Ballroom at 3:00 p.m. In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions can be made in Ken's name to: Bohlender Funeral Chapel, 121 West Olive St, Fort Collins, CO 80524.
Here is the Obituary.
Kenneth Andrew DeVault, 53, died January 25, 2010 of complications from non-Hodgkins lymphoma against which he fought valiantly.
Ken was born on October 24th, 1956 in Dallas, Texas. He lived in Colorado most of his adult life where he married his wife, Beverly on May 5, 1989. Ken was a restaurateur who led several food services to success and profit. Most recently Ken was Retail Operations Manager of the Lory Student Center Food Court at Colorado State University where he loved working among the vibrant college crowd.
Ken was a loving husband and father who found great joy in spending time with his family. He also enjoyed traveling, eating out and drinking an ice cold can of classic Coca-Cola.
He is survived by his devoted wife, Beverly of Fort Collins; his loving children; daughters, Katy DeVault Kaufman (husband, Mark) of Chicago Illinois, Anna DeVault of Astoria, New York, and Tessa DeVault of Steamboat Springs Colorado; step-daughter, Stephanie Eberl of Windsor Colorado and step-son, Jeff Eberl (wife Sara) of Golden Colorado; and his adorable granddaughter, Norah Kaufman. He is also survived by his mother (Muzz), Elaine DeVault and siblings, Cathey Donaldson, Rickey DeVault and Lisa DeVault.
He is preceded in death by his father, Herschel DeVault.
Memorial services will be held Thursday, January 28, 1:00 p.m. at First United Methodist Church of Fort Collins followed by a celebration of Ken's life at the CSU Lory Student Center, North Ballroom at 3:00 p.m. In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions can be made in Ken's name to: Bohlender Funeral Chapel, 121 West Olive St, Fort Collins, CO 80524.
Ken's final day
Tues, Day +1: It is quiet in the house this morning. All our children are here except Stephanie. She isn't far away and will be here soon. I can't remember the last time they were all in the house for an overnight. they will be here all week. Ken would have loved to hear them tell stories and laugh together. It is a comfort to me.
Let me talk about yesterday, Day 0.
It started quiet as I woke up on the air mattress in Ken's room. I had packed up the stuff in Ken's closet the night before, my clothes, Ken's coat and robe, his Christmas presents, the books and puzzles that were keeping me company. The nurse brought me a cart and I loaded it up. Jeff and Sara took it to my car when they arrived a few hours later. Then I pulled my chair up next to Ken and opened the bible to read. I couldn't see the words through my tears, so I just laid Ken's hand on the bible and sat and talked to him for a couple of hours. Ken's brother Rick arrived at 7:30. We talked for a few minutes and then I left to fun over to the cancer center across the street. I wanted to see Dr. Matous one more time. I wanted to catch him early, before his patients started coming. But he wasn't there, so I came right back. I was only gone 15 minutes. Rick and I talked for a few more minutes and the kids started to arrive. Jeff and Sara were first, then Stephanie, Anna and Tessa, then Katy and Mark. Rick left around 9 and we all sat in Ken's room and talked to him. We took turns reading from the bible. We found a classical web site to play better music for Ken than the hospital station we had been listening to. At 10:00, Dr. Kobitary came in to talk to us. He explained more about Ken's ARDS disease. We asked questions about how they know for sure. He explained the choices we had to let Ken go or the keep him on a respirator, but that he wouldn't ever be able to breathe without it. We asked about the procedure so we were prepared for what would happen. He said they would continue with all the things they were still doing to keep Ken sedated. They would add morphine injections to keep Ken comfortable and not feel the stress of not being able to breathe. He said it could take anywhere from a few minutes to a couple of days, but in Ken, they didn't think it would take very long.
We also asked about an autopsy. Ken had wanted to be an organ donor. He cannot be now since he had cancer. But the kids and I all agreed that if something could be learned about what happened to Ken by looking in his lungs, Ken would have wanted that. He was always proud that he got to work in the university and help his students learn about running a business. Now we hope he can help the doctors with something that will help other doctors help patients. We agreed to have the autopsy of his lungs.
After the doctors left, they told us we could take as much time as we need, no time line for them. We decided to rotate through the room and each have our own time alone with Ken. Ken's wish was that he not be alone at this time, so we made sure someone was with him every minute. We also thought we had better get something to eat, so the kids trickled down to the lunch room and Steph brought me back a small sandwich. I can't believe I ate it, but my stomach had been feeling queasy and it helped.
Once we had all eaten and had our time alone with Ken, we asked my Uncle Stan to come in. Stan read some bible passages to all of us and said a prayer for Ken. Then it was time to let the nurses in. The nurse gave Ken his first shot of morphine and the respiratory people came in and removed the respirator. The process had begun. We all sat around Ken, quietly at first, watching him breathe. Then we decided to tell stories and share memories. All the while we touched Ken, told him we loved him and watched him breathe slower and slower. He stayed with us for an hour and 20 minutes. The time flew by. Seemed like it was taking forever since we didn't want him to suffer. But it seemed like it was over in a flash since we didn't want him to leave us. My uncle instilled in us that we weren't letting him go, we were turning him over to God. I kept telling that to Ken as his breathing slowed and his color changed. Ken was then with God. Ken went very peacefully, no grasping for breath, no pain in his eyes. He did open them a little for a while and it seemed that he was watching me as we talked. I know he was hearing us. I hope he wasn't to scared, though he did have a few tears.
Through all of this, we were supported in the lobby by my parents, Toby, Stan and Leah, and Mark's mom, Linda who was watching little Norah. We were also supported by all of you. You can't even imagine how comforting it is to read what you are writing and to know that you are a part of our story. Thank you for that.
The day ended with all of us at home. We made spaghetti, Ken's favorite. We looked at pictures and talked till I dropped at 10:30. I was exhausted. I thought it would be hard to sleep, but it wasn't. I dreamed of Ken and he is with me. He will always be with me.
Let me talk about yesterday, Day 0.
It started quiet as I woke up on the air mattress in Ken's room. I had packed up the stuff in Ken's closet the night before, my clothes, Ken's coat and robe, his Christmas presents, the books and puzzles that were keeping me company. The nurse brought me a cart and I loaded it up. Jeff and Sara took it to my car when they arrived a few hours later. Then I pulled my chair up next to Ken and opened the bible to read. I couldn't see the words through my tears, so I just laid Ken's hand on the bible and sat and talked to him for a couple of hours. Ken's brother Rick arrived at 7:30. We talked for a few minutes and then I left to fun over to the cancer center across the street. I wanted to see Dr. Matous one more time. I wanted to catch him early, before his patients started coming. But he wasn't there, so I came right back. I was only gone 15 minutes. Rick and I talked for a few more minutes and the kids started to arrive. Jeff and Sara were first, then Stephanie, Anna and Tessa, then Katy and Mark. Rick left around 9 and we all sat in Ken's room and talked to him. We took turns reading from the bible. We found a classical web site to play better music for Ken than the hospital station we had been listening to. At 10:00, Dr. Kobitary came in to talk to us. He explained more about Ken's ARDS disease. We asked questions about how they know for sure. He explained the choices we had to let Ken go or the keep him on a respirator, but that he wouldn't ever be able to breathe without it. We asked about the procedure so we were prepared for what would happen. He said they would continue with all the things they were still doing to keep Ken sedated. They would add morphine injections to keep Ken comfortable and not feel the stress of not being able to breathe. He said it could take anywhere from a few minutes to a couple of days, but in Ken, they didn't think it would take very long.
We also asked about an autopsy. Ken had wanted to be an organ donor. He cannot be now since he had cancer. But the kids and I all agreed that if something could be learned about what happened to Ken by looking in his lungs, Ken would have wanted that. He was always proud that he got to work in the university and help his students learn about running a business. Now we hope he can help the doctors with something that will help other doctors help patients. We agreed to have the autopsy of his lungs.
After the doctors left, they told us we could take as much time as we need, no time line for them. We decided to rotate through the room and each have our own time alone with Ken. Ken's wish was that he not be alone at this time, so we made sure someone was with him every minute. We also thought we had better get something to eat, so the kids trickled down to the lunch room and Steph brought me back a small sandwich. I can't believe I ate it, but my stomach had been feeling queasy and it helped.
Once we had all eaten and had our time alone with Ken, we asked my Uncle Stan to come in. Stan read some bible passages to all of us and said a prayer for Ken. Then it was time to let the nurses in. The nurse gave Ken his first shot of morphine and the respiratory people came in and removed the respirator. The process had begun. We all sat around Ken, quietly at first, watching him breathe. Then we decided to tell stories and share memories. All the while we touched Ken, told him we loved him and watched him breathe slower and slower. He stayed with us for an hour and 20 minutes. The time flew by. Seemed like it was taking forever since we didn't want him to suffer. But it seemed like it was over in a flash since we didn't want him to leave us. My uncle instilled in us that we weren't letting him go, we were turning him over to God. I kept telling that to Ken as his breathing slowed and his color changed. Ken was then with God. Ken went very peacefully, no grasping for breath, no pain in his eyes. He did open them a little for a while and it seemed that he was watching me as we talked. I know he was hearing us. I hope he wasn't to scared, though he did have a few tears.
Through all of this, we were supported in the lobby by my parents, Toby, Stan and Leah, and Mark's mom, Linda who was watching little Norah. We were also supported by all of you. You can't even imagine how comforting it is to read what you are writing and to know that you are a part of our story. Thank you for that.
The day ended with all of us at home. We made spaghetti, Ken's favorite. We looked at pictures and talked till I dropped at 10:30. I was exhausted. I thought it would be hard to sleep, but it wasn't. I dreamed of Ken and he is with me. He will always be with me.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Strength
Lord, Please give me strength to get through this day and please welcome Ken with open arms as you bring him home, for I know you love him more than his family and friends here in this life. Amen
Sunday, January 24, 2010
ARDS, new medical term.
Thank you to everyone that has been writing messages and calling me. Your support is overwhelming and appreciated. Bless you all for being so loving. Please remember to sign your posts. Sometimes I can't tell who is writing. I don't know who sent the poem yesterday, but thank you.
I keep learning new medical terms. Yesterday I spent some time talking to Dr. Kobitary, another pulmonologist. He said Ken has ARDS, acute respiratory distress syndrome, caused by bone marrow transplant BMT chemo drugs and the swine flu. He did a good job of explain Ken's lung scaring and rigidity. I asked him my daughter Tessa's question. Are you 100% sure he won't get better. He said that he is only 90% sure Ken won't get better, but 100% sure Ken won't get off the respirator. He said there is a small chance that we may be able to get him well enough to come home on the respirator. But people on the respirator only live for 6-12 months. He would pass when his heart gave out or his liver with all the drugs that we would have to be giving him. I am so thankful that Ken filled out the 5 wishes so that I know he doesn't want to be kept on machines once there is no hope of recovery. It somehow makes it easier, not really, but maybe. How's that for good English? Ken is the eloquent writer. Wish he could write us one last story to sum up how this is going from his point of view. I know he would be overwhelmed with emotion thanking everyone.
I spent the night at the hospital last night, sleeping on my air mattress in Ken's room. It was a quiet night. His nurse didn't wake me till after 5 this morning. But Ken is giving us a little excitement now. His pressures in his lungs keep going up. Actually, we think he is taking an extra breath now and then. It makes his respirator alarm go off. The alarm sounds like an old fashioned bicycle horn. Beep/beep. The nurses think Ken is again used to his sedation med levels, so they turned up his propovol. I haven't heard him honk in 10 min, so maybe that will help. They are trying to keep him comfortable at this stage. Yesterday, Dr. Kobitary adjusted Ken's respirator for a couple minutes to only breath 10 times per minute instead of the 30 times per minute that it is set on now. He wanted to see if Ken would try to breathe on his own. He didn't. Not one try. Of course, he is sedated, but the doc said he should have noticed the difference and taken a breath as a reflex. Kind of like how he bites down when the nurses try to clean his mouth.
I just sit here and look at him. His hair is started to grow back, especially on his face. I have shaved him a couple of times and will probably have to do it again today before the kids come. His beard is growing in very dark.
Yesterday was a busy day. I didn't cry as much as the day before. Course, that isn't saying much since I cried every minute the day before. I started the day with my dad coming to visit me. We had a couple of hours together before the rest of the family started to arrive. (Ken was just honking again; wish they would try the breathing thing again. I just don't want to believe there is no hope.) At 11 yesterday, Aunt Leah and Uncle Stan brought Ken's mom, Elaine, and Aunt Lavon up too see Ken. Toby and my mom, arrived with Ken's sister, Lisa. They had driven to Colorado Springs to pick up Lisa. We had a good visit. Linda Castor visited in the afternoon as well. She said a nice prayer for Ken. I'm thankful that Ken has a large room. We were all able to sit in his room for much of the day and visit. Toby drove back to Colorado Springs to take Lisa home. A lot of driving for Toby, but I know Lisa was grateful. At 5:15, I picked up Katy, Mark and little Norah. I only saw Norah for a few minutes before they took her off to put her to bed, but I enjoyed seeing her. Then I went back to the hospital and Ken's brother, Rick, arrived from Las Vegas. Elaine had actually stayed with Ken and Rick took her home last night. Then Stephanie arrived and we went out to dinner. Katy and Mark and Jeff and Sara joined us. We stayed late at Old Chicago's. I had a strawberry daiquiri for Ken. Those of you that don't know Ken as well as we do, that was his drink of choice. He loved his sweet tea, sweet classic coca-cola, and strawberry daiquiris. He was not afraid to order he frilly drink. I don't usually drink them, but it tasted good last night. It was good to have some time alone with the kids. They have been so supportive. We talked about arrangements and about how weird it was to be talking about arrangements when Ken hasn't yet passed. I love my kids. It will be great to have them all close by this week. They are holding me up. I hope I can give them the support they need as well. It is different for me. I have been sitting with Ken for weeks, living this and fearing this every moment. The kids haven't had as much time to process this. I hate that we have to. I can't believe we are at this point.
Today will be busy as well. I expect all the kids to arrive today; Anna is coming in from New York City and Tessa from Steamboat. I hope the roads are good for Tessa. Rick is coming back, my parents and Toby will be here. I expect and welcome any other visitors that want to stop by today for a chance to say good-bye to Ken. I respect all those that don't want to see him so quiet. He is after all, a loud laugher and we will miss hearing his laugh. We are at Presbyterian St. Lukes in room 3409, BMT North.
Bless everyone. Give us strength to get through this day. Bev
I keep learning new medical terms. Yesterday I spent some time talking to Dr. Kobitary, another pulmonologist. He said Ken has ARDS, acute respiratory distress syndrome, caused by bone marrow transplant BMT chemo drugs and the swine flu. He did a good job of explain Ken's lung scaring and rigidity. I asked him my daughter Tessa's question. Are you 100% sure he won't get better. He said that he is only 90% sure Ken won't get better, but 100% sure Ken won't get off the respirator. He said there is a small chance that we may be able to get him well enough to come home on the respirator. But people on the respirator only live for 6-12 months. He would pass when his heart gave out or his liver with all the drugs that we would have to be giving him. I am so thankful that Ken filled out the 5 wishes so that I know he doesn't want to be kept on machines once there is no hope of recovery. It somehow makes it easier, not really, but maybe. How's that for good English? Ken is the eloquent writer. Wish he could write us one last story to sum up how this is going from his point of view. I know he would be overwhelmed with emotion thanking everyone.
I spent the night at the hospital last night, sleeping on my air mattress in Ken's room. It was a quiet night. His nurse didn't wake me till after 5 this morning. But Ken is giving us a little excitement now. His pressures in his lungs keep going up. Actually, we think he is taking an extra breath now and then. It makes his respirator alarm go off. The alarm sounds like an old fashioned bicycle horn. Beep/beep. The nurses think Ken is again used to his sedation med levels, so they turned up his propovol. I haven't heard him honk in 10 min, so maybe that will help. They are trying to keep him comfortable at this stage. Yesterday, Dr. Kobitary adjusted Ken's respirator for a couple minutes to only breath 10 times per minute instead of the 30 times per minute that it is set on now. He wanted to see if Ken would try to breathe on his own. He didn't. Not one try. Of course, he is sedated, but the doc said he should have noticed the difference and taken a breath as a reflex. Kind of like how he bites down when the nurses try to clean his mouth.
I just sit here and look at him. His hair is started to grow back, especially on his face. I have shaved him a couple of times and will probably have to do it again today before the kids come. His beard is growing in very dark.
Yesterday was a busy day. I didn't cry as much as the day before. Course, that isn't saying much since I cried every minute the day before. I started the day with my dad coming to visit me. We had a couple of hours together before the rest of the family started to arrive. (Ken was just honking again; wish they would try the breathing thing again. I just don't want to believe there is no hope.) At 11 yesterday, Aunt Leah and Uncle Stan brought Ken's mom, Elaine, and Aunt Lavon up too see Ken. Toby and my mom, arrived with Ken's sister, Lisa. They had driven to Colorado Springs to pick up Lisa. We had a good visit. Linda Castor visited in the afternoon as well. She said a nice prayer for Ken. I'm thankful that Ken has a large room. We were all able to sit in his room for much of the day and visit. Toby drove back to Colorado Springs to take Lisa home. A lot of driving for Toby, but I know Lisa was grateful. At 5:15, I picked up Katy, Mark and little Norah. I only saw Norah for a few minutes before they took her off to put her to bed, but I enjoyed seeing her. Then I went back to the hospital and Ken's brother, Rick, arrived from Las Vegas. Elaine had actually stayed with Ken and Rick took her home last night. Then Stephanie arrived and we went out to dinner. Katy and Mark and Jeff and Sara joined us. We stayed late at Old Chicago's. I had a strawberry daiquiri for Ken. Those of you that don't know Ken as well as we do, that was his drink of choice. He loved his sweet tea, sweet classic coca-cola, and strawberry daiquiris. He was not afraid to order he frilly drink. I don't usually drink them, but it tasted good last night. It was good to have some time alone with the kids. They have been so supportive. We talked about arrangements and about how weird it was to be talking about arrangements when Ken hasn't yet passed. I love my kids. It will be great to have them all close by this week. They are holding me up. I hope I can give them the support they need as well. It is different for me. I have been sitting with Ken for weeks, living this and fearing this every moment. The kids haven't had as much time to process this. I hate that we have to. I can't believe we are at this point.
Today will be busy as well. I expect all the kids to arrive today; Anna is coming in from New York City and Tessa from Steamboat. I hope the roads are good for Tessa. Rick is coming back, my parents and Toby will be here. I expect and welcome any other visitors that want to stop by today for a chance to say good-bye to Ken. I respect all those that don't want to see him so quiet. He is after all, a loud laugher and we will miss hearing his laugh. We are at Presbyterian St. Lukes in room 3409, BMT North.
Bless everyone. Give us strength to get through this day. Bev
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