Smells

I think the nose and a sense of smell is an amazing thing. How many times do we smell something and it instantly takes us to a previous time where we have experienced that smell before. Honeysuckle makes me think of when I was young and mowed lawns in my neighborhood. One of the the yards had a huge honeysuckle bush, and I used to love to mow that yard because it always smelled so good. Lilac bushes do the same for me. Every time I smell Old Spice Cologne, I think of my dad splashing it on extra heavy before leaving for a meeting or going to church. I think I should have owned stock in Old Spice while he was alive! My grandmother had a favorite perfume, Prince Matchebelli, and I would always buy it for her for Christmas. I could pick my grandmother out of the crowd just by that smell. The smell of something cooking on the stove, or even better, fresh banana bread in the oven makes my taste buds water. Sometimes smells don't always smell so pleasant, such as when you know you are driving close to Greeley, but at least you know your almost there by the smell. When I was a teenager, I went with a best friend to see the group Brownsville Station singing "Smoking in the boys room" in Colorado Springs. We started the night drinking sloe gin fizzes but by the time the concert started we were just drinking sloe gin. Of course to this day I can not tell you how that night ended, with the exception that I got very sick on sloe gin. Amazingly, about the same time frame 7-11's in town used to sell a Slurpee that smelled just like sloe gin to me. Being a coca-cola addict, I always was stopping at 7-11's to buy a coke but I'll tell you that I would smell that Slurpee even without getting close to the machine and my stomach would start getting upset thinking about sloe gin again. Now that my chemo is coming to an end, I have noticed the smells that I associate with everything I've gone through. My doctor said my sense of smell might be heightened due to the drugs. I used to have a good nose for smell until I broke my nose in a car accident about 1988. After that smells were not as strong to me. But now, the doctor is right. Every time I drive to Denver to the Cancer Pavilion at University of Colorado Hospital, I start off having to use the restroom after the drive. The smell of the handsoap in the restroom signals to my mind I am back in the hospital. Going into the infusion center, I pickup the scent of all the different chemo drugs that are being dispensed, and my stomach starts getting queasy knowing what that smell means. Obviously visual triggers tell your mind where you are and can make your mind race, but to be able to close your eyes and just have the smell take control of your mind is just amazing to me. I met a woman from Strausburg on my last day of chemo. They were pulling my pic line out of my arm because I hopefully won't need it anymore. It was her first time ever in chemo. I could see and hear the fear she had for the unknown. She said she had lung cancer and she was scared. So scared she had gotten sick even before the chemo. It took my mind back to that time when I was starting and didn't know what was going to happen. It made me feel a little guilty that Bev and I were so happy laughing with the nurses and this lady was sitting next to me struggling with her future. It gave me a sense of pleasure however to be able to describe my experience to her, and let her know the best I could that she can make it through. It's tough but most of us are lucky enough to make it through, thank God. I hope that in the future I will get a chance to share again my story with those that are just starting. I don't know if after I stop taking all the drugs my sniffer will go back to not being so strong, but I do know I feel for all those that have been affected negatively by a smell in the past. My wish to you is that you find a smell that takes your mind to a peaceful, comfortable place or memory in your mind and that you keep that smell in your head to pull it out when you need it. Like the saying goes, life is short, stop and smell the roses! I wish you a pleasurable experience whatever "roses" you smell today and always! I plan on smelling as many roses as I see! Hope you do too!

Final chemo?

Today was hopefully the last day for chemo. It was hard to imagine back in April with three chest tubes in me, hospital gown on, hooked up to multiple feeding tubes that this day would ever come. Dr. Myint says that this should be it, that I should put the champagne on ice so that when I take my next scan all the tumors should be gone and then I can pop the cork. Things are looking good, but I still feel a bit nervous and cautious. I know that this will be my hardest week for nausea, hiccups, getting sick. And next week will be my lowest blood counts I have ever had, so I will be tired. Then I will have to drink the bad tasting liquid so it can highlight any tumor cells in my scan. But deep down I feel so lucky and thankful. Thankful for the wonderful friends I have who came over to the house yesterday evening to keep my mind off of the battle. Lucky that in reality I could have suffered a lot worse and not have such a good prognosis upcoming. This past Saturday Bev and I saw the movie My Sister's Keeper. It was about a girl who was raised to provide parts for her older sister who had cancer. Being a parent, and a cancer survivor, I could relate to both sides of the movie. It was funny in parts, sad in others, described reality throughout. I would recommend it to you. The reason I bring it up was that when I walked into my chemo for the last time today I saw a child, maybe 8 or 9, bald, playing with their siblings with their parents close by. All I could hope and pray is that this young person not suffer and have a good prognosis as I have. Cancer knows no age limit, race, origin. Those of us who have it, and those that support us can only fight it with determination, faith and love. I have been so lucky to have had the support of family and friends throughout my battle. As the final act plays out, it is the support of these people that keep me going. It's now the evening of day 1 of this round, and the hiccups have already started. Hopefully they won't last all week this time, but if they do, I know I can survive them. And I can survive anything the last of the cancer is going to throw at me. Thanks to all of my supporters.

Congrats goes out to my son in law Mark in Chicago. He reached his goal of raising funds for Team in Training and is training hard for his upcoming triathlon. We are so proud of him. But he could still use more donations. Checkout his website at: http://pages.teamintraining.org/il/chitri09/mkaufman

Ken is feeling much stronger today. He worked in the yard most of the morning till it got to hot. He is outside now, this evening finishing up by mowing the yard. He is feeling normal again and looking forward to a normal week. We are actually going to Denver tomorrow to visit with his daughters, Anna and Tessa.



Our son-in-law, Mark, is running a triathlon tomorrow to prepare for his big Team In Training triathlon in Chicago in August. He is raising money for lymphoma and and hasn't quite reached his goal. He keeps mentioning that he is doing it for Ken in his website and his facebook. Every dollar helps him get to his goal, so visit his site and donate if you can. Here is his web page:

http://pages.teamintraining.org/il/chitri09/mkaufman

Ken and I are excited that we get to travel to Chicago in August to watch Mark's race. We will get to go to the banquet as well where Mark will honor Ken and Ken's struggle. Thanks for doing this Mark.


Course the real prize will be that we get to spend time with Norah, our granddaughter. Can't believe she will be 9 months old before we see her again. She is so sweet. This is one of her 7 month pictures.

Hugs help

It is Friday night of week 2. We made it through this week. Ken was sick through last Sunday with the hiccups and the nausea. Was tough, but he made it. On Monday, he felt much better and held up pretty well this week. He worked every day for music camp. Kept him working long days and he crashed on the couch as soon as he got home. But all in all, it has been a good week. We went to the movies tonight for an early date. That was fun.
We are looking forward to Sunday when we will be going to Denver to spend the day with Anna, our daughter from New York City and Tessa, our daughter from Steamboat. We can't wait to see them.
Next week we will be busy getting ready to move Ken's mom home. She finally is getting out of rehab, so that will keep us busy. Good thing Ken is almost done. We go to the doctor next Monday, so I will let you know what they say. We are hoping they schedule the pet scan so we know when the results of all the chemo will be revealed. It will be here before we know it. Only 1 more round.
Hope everyone has a great weekend. Hug someone tight soon after reading this. Hugs help us in so many ways. Bev

Had to Share

Isn't she adorable. This is Norah, our granddaughter. We miss her so much, but it helps when her mom sends us pictures. She is adorable.

Sense of Humor

Ken definitely has a sense of humor. It is Sunday morning. He has had the hiccups since Tuesday. He gets them so quick sometimes that it takes his breathe away and then he throws up. It isn't pretty. But it hasn't stopped him. He has worked thru it and is doing just what he wants to do. Friday night, we went to Eaton days and he had a banana split, his favorite. Yesterday, he had a big day working in the morning on campus getting ready for music camp. Then the two of us went out to lunch. We spent the afternoon shopping with Ken's mom. We took her to get new shoes, to get a new bed and then to get all the bedding for it. Took all afternoon since we have to deal with the wheel chair. I'll be glad when Ken can lift more than 5 lbs, that chair is heavy. But we had a good time. Then we took his mom out for a Chinese dinner and didn't take her back to rehab till 8:00. They thought we had kidnapped her. Ken was a trooper. He hiccuped all day. Everywhere we went he carried his bucket. In both restaurants and all the stores. Luckily he only had to use it in the car.
But you are wondering about the sense of humor I mentioned earlier. I'll tell you what he quietly told me during lunch. He can always make me laugh. Since he has lost almost everything he has eaten lately, it hasn't been to fun for him. The nurses told him not to eat any of his favorite foods this week, because once you throw them up, you don't want to eat them again. He was recalling that and talking about it at lunch. He said that on Friday night when he was throwing up, it was the banana split that was coming up. He said that it was sweet and tasted good even the second time around. I know that is gross, but it made me laugh. He said that according to the nurses, he shouldn't want to eat one for awhile, but come on. It's a banana split. Ken would eat one every day.
So far so good today. No hiccups yet. He is out pulling weeds. We'll see how the day goes. If they have stopped, I think I'll take him to dairy queen this afternoon. I think we owe him a banana split. Hope you have a great Sunday.

Better Night

So tonight has been a better night. After last night, all I can say is what a difference a day makes. We were able to go over to Eaton to the street dance and Eaton days tonight. We didn't stay long. We ate at the street barbecue and then went to my aunt and uncles for a quick visit. We were back in town by 9, so it was a great night. Ken still has the hiccups and he had a couple of close calls, but he was able to keep it under control and he seems much better. The hiccups seem to be hanging on longer this time, but we are hopeful that they will stop completely by tomorrow. Hope you are all geared up for a great weekend. Do something fun. Bev and Ken

Day 4 of Round 5

This is day 4 of round 5 for Ken. Wow, it is hitting him hard. The evenings are the worst. I can't believe as sick as he is at night, that he has been able to work every day. Pretty amazing. He has had the hiccups since Tues night at 8:00. He gets into trouble with the nausea when the hiccups get so quick that he can't breathe. It is hard to watch. Poor Ken. But hopefully, by this time tomorrow, day 5 he will be better. The doc said it would be harder every round and he was right. So yes, he has hiccups and yes, he is throwing up, a lot. But he seems to be keeping his spirits up. I don't know how. He is amazing.
So let's change the subject. For those that have been asking, Ken's mom is getting along better. She is walking with a cane and we are getting her apt ready for her to come home. She is still in the rehab center. She will have to have some home help at first, but she is so anxious to get home. I have been moving furniture and changing things around for her. I think she will be fine when she gets home.
I have had a rough week too. Up until now, I have only been working on Saturdays or Sundays at Babies R Us. This week, I decided to try a Wed night so that I could be home this weekend with Ken. Wow. They worked me till 12:30 in the morning. I was supposed to get off at 10:00, but some big wigs were coming in today. So they kept us all to do extra cleaning. I was so happy that I had typed a resignation letter earlier in the day. It wasn't hard for me to hand it to the manager as we left last night. I will miss the work. Most of the time, I really liked it. But in the big picture of things, I wasn't making any money and Ken and his mom need me at home. So, I quit. I better get my shopping for Norah done tomorrow, in case they take my discount card away after my shift on Saturday. Need anything special Katy?
I was so tired today. I was feeling sorry for myself till I got home tonight and witnessed Ken's predicament. Sure wakes a person up to what is really important and what really matters. I'm not nearly as tired now. And that is good because I have to go to work at the Bookstore to run some backups. Hopefully, I will be only an hour or so. I hope it goes well so I can stay home with Ken. I am working at the Baby store on Sat morning and at the Bookstore on Sunday to run some program updates. Feel sorry for me? Don't. I'm not having near as much trouble as Ken. It won't be bad and I get next weekend off. Yeah. I think I will take a day off next week as well. I need a day to clean house. It is a mess, but not important tonight.
Our daughter Anna that lives in New York City is coming to Colorado next week. Ken is looking forward to seeing her on Wed. We are excited to see her. We will get to see Tessa that day too as she will be in Denver with Anna on Wed.
That's an update for now. Please say an extra prayer for Ken tonight. He is amazing. Love to all of you and as usual, thank you so much for your support. Bev

Here we go again...

This is so not fair. Ken felt so good last week. We were in Nebraska with my parents and had a really good time. We just relaxed and enjoyed 5 days of retirement life with my folks. Ken felt great physically. We bought some fireworks and Ken loved sending the Roman candles into the air. We watched the neighborhood shoot fireworks before and after the big show, till midnight. Nebraska has less restrictions than Colorado, so they were shooting some really big fireworks at home. It was amazing.
But as the weekend started to wind down, Ken was more and more upset and depressed. I feel so bad for him. He is so brave and quiet when he feels sad. He drove all the way home on Sunday, but didn't talk much. He absolutely wanted to be anywhere but Denver on Monday. We had no choice. We went to the University of Colorado Hospital Cancer Center for his 5th round of chemo yesterday. It was tough for Ken to walk in. He knew what to expect and was almost sick before we even got started. We are so ready for this to be over.
We started with blood tests. The nurse drew blood from his pic line in his arm. Then while we waited for the test results, we went to the BIC office so Tamia could change Ken's dressing on his pic line. Then we headed to the infusion center. It was not long before they came in to say that his blood tests looked fine and we could get started. It is pretty boring for Ken. He just sits in the chair and lets it all drip into his arm. It takes about 5 1/2 hours. He can get up and move around, but he doesn't. No one moves around much. Ken was in chair #19 again. They have about 30 chairs and they were pretty full yesterday. He even had 2 different people in the same chair next to him yesterday. One at 9 when Ken got started and another by 11. Ken didn't pay much attention to what was going on in the ward. He was pretty nauseous as we started. So he slept most of the day. Amazing what a difference a day makes. Those drugs really wiped him out.
I spent the morning refilling his medications in the pharmacy and filling his pill boxes for the next 21 days. He has some meds he takes for the first 5 days, some that he takes day 6 thru 15, some he takes on Mondays and Thursdays, and some he takes every day. Then he has some he takes just when he needs it, for nausea and hiccups. It is crazy and was tough to keep straight. So we got 3 of those weekly pill boxes and made labels for day 1 thru 21. I put all his meds except the as needed ones into the boxes. It is easier for him. And we don't have to look at all those prescription boxes every day. A little easier to manage.
So where are we now? Ready or not, ready for round five. Ken felt pretty bad last night. He was able to eat a little so he could take his meds. But he wasn't happy about it. He even had the hiccups a little already. It just isn't fair. I feel so sad for him. They say each round gets a little harder because the drugs compound each time. We know he will get thru it. Only 6 more weeks. The weeks seem to pass by and we are getting thru. But each day is hard for him. I don't know how he manages to look so in control. I know he isn't on the inside. But he is amazing and tough.
We are headed back to Denver this afternoon to get his $3400 shot. He will try to work every day the rest of the week. I don't know how he does it. He is so thankful to his staff for carrying on without him. We are so thankful that everyone understands and is supportive. But we are so ready for this to be over...