Ups and Downs

Ups and downs. Good news! One lung cavity drainage tube the size of a garden hose was removed last night. For the first time, I was able to sleep on my side a bit, although mainly still on my back. The current plan is to let it keep accumulating drainage and have it tapped off as needed. All good last night, but this morning the back of left lung has started hurting again similar to before I arrived. Right lung cavity continues to drain at a higher rate. They explain that I am losing protein through this so I am on a high protein but low fat diet. The nurses asked if I was losing weight before I came and I laughed because I was gaining weight. Now all of the sudden, I don't seem to be hungry which is starting to freak me out. One funny story was just this morning, I ordered 2 low cholesterol fake scrambled eggs. When the tray arrived, I took off the cover of the plate and I had never seen so many eggsi on one plate in my life. They filled a 9" plate and were folded over like a omelet. And there was two of them. They looked like four huge grilled chicken breasts stacked on top of each other. The smell of so many eggs was so overwhelming and I had to immediately slam the cover back down. I only opened them once more to show Bev. Don't think I will order eggs tomorrow.
I appreciate all of the kind emails and all of the jokes. Words of encouragement have been fantastic. A hard thing for me to process is all the stories of people that have gone through this before and are normal now. I sit here and try to envision that point in time but can't always focus. That's when the pain and the "why me" and the "I can't do this" come over me. Then I look at the the nice notes people have sent and they ease my mind. God knows I have always suffered from "middle child syndrome", trying to just keep going and avoiding conflict. Okay, maybe some at work would disagree with this analysis (LOL!) but it's true, it's true! This is by far the greatest mental challenge I have ever faced. Why are all the survivors always smiling? Are they stronger then I am? Can they just handle it better than I? Makes me feel somewhat inadequate at times. I have a great family and friends as a support group, and although you might not realize it, you as well are cancer survivors by just knowing me. I just read that yesterday and it hit home. I feel for all who have been through this before or those that are on this journey for the first time as well. I would not say I was as close to my parents and siblings as most have been in their life. My dad lived to 90 but died of some form of skin cancer. That was the only cancer in my family I knew of except all my uncles died of lung cancer because they smoked. They were in and around the Chicago area, one even a politician, but my dad said they were all crooks! In Chicago? Who would have thought! LOL! I even have a picture of me as a kid standing in front of DeVault Elementary School somewhere there!
I am waiting for the first visit of my Oncology doctor and my surgical doctor together in about thirty minutes. Fear is setting back in because I'm still leaking at a pretty good rate, which seems to be my complication. I can see it in their eyes. But I will hope for the best. Ups and downs!