One Month Ago Today

It is Feb. 25th. Where did that month go? Ken passed away on January 25th. Seems like just last week. For me, it is still very emotional. I cry every day. I'm not sleeping well, but I didn't sleep that well before, so I'm used to that. The kids are having some of the same feelings. My ex used to call the tears happy, sad, mad, glad. All these emotions can cause tears. Mine are mostly sad, mad and extremely lonely. I miss my best friend. I miss talking to him. I know I should cancel his personal cell phone, but I can't. I keep calling it to listen to him tell me that he can't talk to me right now. I know. Maybe I can cancel it next month.

The kids are having some of the same feelings. Guilt is added in for them as well. I had 7 weeks sitting at Ken's bedside to understand why we had to let Ken go. The kids had to grasp it from a distance and it has been harder for them. They miss him too and just like me, some days are harder than others to get through. But we have been there for each other and I appreciate their support. I hope I am supporting them as well.

I have tried to write in this blog so many times. But as I start, I just can't do it. I have found myself just sitting here staring at the computer. I can't seem to get anything done. I'm barely able to keep the dishes done. My son Jeff and his wife Sara have been coming to town every weekend. They have been a huge help. I don't know why I can't get things done in between. Ken would have said "Blame it on the chemo". That was the saying for the last year. Maybe I can say, "Blame it on the grief." Or "Blame it on the Olympics". I have been totally hooked on watching the Olympics. I think it is just an excuse to veg.

So, I have been wanting to talk about Ken's memorial services. Both were so well attended. Thank you to all who came to the service at the church. Ken's friend, Scott did a great job as minister for us. And our kids, Katy, Anna and Jeff did a great job of speaking about their dad. We had the pianist play "Fur Elise" which was the song that Ken always played on the piano. In retrospect, I wish I had done a video of him playing for me. He would sometimes sit down in a hotel, in the hospital lobby and even in a store if he found a piano and play it for me. He knew I loved that song. I wish I had thought to record it. We also played our song, "I'll still be loving you" which in Jeff's word, was 'appropriate'. In so many ways, the song portrays our feelings. I'll still be loving Ken, the kids will still love him, we will still love each other and we know he will still love us from Heaven. It is a great song. The only regret about the service is that we should have had a singer for "Amazing Grace" and "How great thou art". We were all to sad to sing, so you can't even hear us on the tape. It would have been better to take the pressure off and have someone sing it for us. Oh well. We also played the "1812 Overture" as we were being dismissed from the church. I know this sounds weird, but it was one of Ken's requests. He loved the 4th of July. He was very patriotic. We have always flown a flag on our porch with a light on it, 24/7. He loves the "1812 Overture" and he wanted to go out with a bang. If you weren't able to attend the service and you want to listen to what the kids said about their dad, you can go to the following site. Jeff put it on his drop box account. You can go to this link and download it from there. Here is the link:

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/1675101/Ken/01%20Kens%20Church%20Memorial%20Service.wma

You might need to copy that and paste it into your browser. Or let me know and I can send you a link to it in email, if you can't get this to work. I can't seem to get it to go into this post as a link. It is only an audio of the service. We are getting a video of the memorial service at CSU. I hope to get it soon and I will put it on the blog as well. I am going to add some pictures of Ken's service flowers and pictures of the coke things we had on display at CSU. But I will put them in a separate blog. Thank you to all who sent flowers. They were beautiful.

The memorial service at CSU was wonderful. Ken wanted a coke toast at his service. We couldn't do it at the church, so we did it at CSU and decided to decorate the ballroom with some of Ken's coke collection. We had some of his special bottles on each of the tables and had a few things on a display table. A few people got up and talked about Ken. We played a picture montage during the whole thing and Ken was with us. During Robert, his boss's speech, in perfect timing, a picture of Ken in the hospital of Ken sticking his tongue out popped up. We all laughed. It was just as Robert was explaining the way Ken did business in the student center. Again, appropriate. The food was amazing. Shrimp was a must. Ken loved shrimp. An ice cream bar. Ken always wanted to own a Dairy Queen. He loved his ice cream and ate an ice cream sandwich every day. I am imagining Ken running the ice cream store in Walt Disney's Park in Heaven. He is having a great time serving all the kids in heaven. He would have a special smile for the cancer patients up there, especially the kids. And those of us that knew him well know that he would be laughing to get them to smile too. Anyway, the thing that made the memorial service so special was definitely all the people that attended. The catering dept said about 250 or 300 people. I know the lines were long at the food tables and there weren't enough chairs. I wish I had been able to talk to more people. I do wish I had gone up to the microphone and introduced everyone to my children. We had so many family members, my parents, Ken's mom, our brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, our unofficially adopted Heidi and her family, even my ex-husband and Ken's ex-wife along with her family, Ken's ex-family. So many friends and co-workers. And the students. So many students that have worked for Ken. It was overwhelming. And all the little kids Ken loved were there as well. I should have at least introduced everyone to my little Norah, our granddaughter. It was a wonderful memorial. The time went very quickly. Thank you to the CSU staff for making it special. Thank you to everyone that joined us for showing your support. I can't thank you enough.

God Bless You all for everything. I will be posting pictures and his video soon. Take a minute to remember Ken today. Guess you are if you are reading this. I would say have a coke every 25th of the month, but I don't want Ken to be responsible for creating more Coca-cola addicts out there. So just say a prayer and be thankful for the loved ones in your life. I love you. Bev

Doing Okay

Hi everyone. I didn't mean to just stop writing in the blog. I tried several times, I just couldn't do it. I have some pictures I want to put up of Ken's church service and the reception at the student center. Both were well attended and turned out very nice. The pictures are coming from friends and aren't ready yet. But soon I hope. I have been receiving many cards from family and friends. They have been very helpful. I have been keeping busy. I am now trying to go through some things at home and furnish a house for an employee in the catering dept that lost his house to a fire. I have 3 of everything in my kitchen since I used to sell kitchen stuff. So that is helping me get organized. My son and his wife have been helping a lot. I still have so much to do though. Sometimes I just sit and look at it. Can't get off the couch. But Ken would be happy that I am helping this family, so I am busy sorting stuff. I hope to have pictures and links to Ken's audio of his service up here soon if you are interested. I hope you are all doing well and remembering good things about Ken.
Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. For those that don't know this story, I will tell you what Ken sent me for Valentine's day a few years ago. I was at work in the student center and was called out into the hall to meet someone. When I got there, I saw 4 retired aged guys in white tuxs with red ties and cumberbunds. (I love guys in Tuxes since my dad ran a tux shop while I was growing up). The guys were a barbershop quartet. They handed me a dozen red roses and sang about 5 love songs to me while my husband stood by and watched, along with fellow employees and students walking down the hall. It was so cute. Everyone loved it, especially me. Ken was thoughtful and I plan to spend Valentine's Day being thoughtful of our time together. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. Bev