The fear sets in

The doc asked me once if I have friends that I can talk to when things get rough, when I am worried about Ken, when I can't take it anymore. I told him I had great friends that I can talk to. The problem at this moment is that it is 2:30 am. I'm not the kind of friend that would bother them now. But, girlfriends, when you read this, please give me an extra lift up to the Lord because I am scared.
I wish we hadn't had to change hospitals. I am scared about Ken doing this as outpatient. He has a small fever that has been creeping up all day. I just took it and it is now 100.1 or 37.8 C. Why the fever, something is causing it. Could be a number of things, but how am I suppose to know. The UCH said to call when it is 100.5. I'm not sure when the PSL wants us to call. We are headed to PSL at 9:00 this morning for blood tests. I think I'll wake Ken at 5 to take his temp again. Maybe we'll go in at 7:00 instead.
So here is also why I am scared, why I wish we hadn't changed hospitals. Doing all this as outpatient seems so much better for Ken. It makes sense, but it scares me constantly. What if I don't prepare his food just right? What if I don't clean the kitchen just right? What if I don't clean the bathroom well enough? What if I don't wash his clothes in hot enough temperature? What if I have an accident driving him back and forth?
When the nurse called today to say that his counts were so low, I was immediately scared about the condition of the house. I've been trying to get the extra stuff put away, the coke stuff. So the house has been dusty for a few days. The bathroom isn't completely sterile yet. I've been letting us eat out alot. Ken has wanted to go places to eat one last time. Like it will be his last time to enjoy their food. I keep telling him it may be the last time this year, but we'll be back. I'm indulging him now, but what if they served him something not safe? What if I did at home? What is causing his fever? Will they admit him to the hospital tomorrow? I don't know enough about PSL to know. And we don't like the rooms as well as UCH. They are very small at PSL and I don't know if I can stay with him. There isn't a bed for me. He needs me, if he gets admitted, but it just isn't as nice as UCH. Hope they are better at taking care of him. I wonder if their air controllers are as up to date as UCH. I have to trust them. The insurance co says they have the highest success rate. So they should know what they are doing, right? Seems like they are putting an awful lot of faith in me. How do they know if I can handle all this? I think I can. But I need help now. Send me up to the Lord. Ask him to help Ken and me. I know you are all praying for me. I just needed to unload my fears so I can go back to sleep. Actually, I think I will go pack a bag for Denver, just in case they keep us there. We can stay with my son just to be closer to PSL. I think we should maybe do that on Sat, till this fever thing gets straightened out. Thanks for letting me share. I better get off my pity party and get busy. Love you all. Bev