Thursday, September 17, 2009
Tough Time - Ken writes
When I have written in the past I always tried to relate to something that has occurred in my life in the past. I feel I need to write but this time I don't know where I am going. I'm 52, I'm neutrapenic, and now I have swine flu. Now I think I made a mistake by making fun of it, laughing at a picture of a farm with a pig and cow looking through a fence at each other, the cow says swine flu and the pig says mad cow. It was funny at the time. I am depressed so if you don't care for negativity please don't read on. My daughter Tessa always tells me to tell the cancer,"Bring it on Bitch." But right now I can't say that anymore. I am tired, depressed, wondering if I will die. Yes die. Bev left early this morning to get back to Ft. Collins, after she left I couldn't get back to sleep. I actually feel a little better today than yesterday. Yesterday, I had the hiccups bad and was throwing up every three or four hours. I thought I was dying. They finally got it fixed by the evening. I started crying this morning. I had seen several news reports about H1N1. They say a cough is the bad thing and now they think it might be lasting longer than originally thought. Then today I saw on the noon news CSU is reporting 60 new confirmed cases of h1n1 for a total now of 400 cases. I wonder if I am one of them. I feel so alone here when Bev is not here. Everyone has to wear a mask, wash their hands if they touch anything in my room. I couldn't sleep Monday night and went for a walk around the hall. I didn't make it too far at 3:30 am before a nurse came and said no walking without a mask. I have not felt like going out of the room again. I don't want to give this to anyone. I am so worried about Bev who stays in my room all the time with a mask on. Surreal. So this morning I finally got the courage to ask the nurse, Kelly, a serious question. I am realistic enough to hear the reports and conversations from my doctors about h1n1 and that while most people can push through it like a normal flu, others die. My neutrapenic week has just begun today. Because of the holiday last week and a scheduling problem Tuesday I couldn't get chemo until Wednesday. Because of that I would normally start rebounding by today, but instead am just going down. The doctor had said as soon as we see your counts go up, you can probably go home. But each day since he has come in saying they are still going down, and extending my length of stay expectancy. So I ask her what do you look for in a patient that has no level of immunity and has h1n1, what is the important sign of people who die. She said oxygen. The level has to be 90 or above. Problem. The other night mine was at 87 and they gave me oxygen overnight. At the time I didn't know why. Scared me now that she explained. I have been lucky since then that I have remained around 92-93. Your mind can play tricks on you when you're in the hospital. I don't want to die. I love news. Yet every broadcast talks about h1n1. And I figured earlier it wasn't that big a deal. Realistically it's not to most people. But now it is for me. Payback is hell. I am going through fever cycles, I cough occasionally, they just took another xray of my chest, blood tests everyday. Now they say I might be dehydrated. It never ends. I saw Patrick Swaze died of cancer, and Mary of Peter, Paul and Mary died of leukemia. I was so happy to be in Chicago and see the wonderful things that TNT does for people with leukemia and lymphoma. And the support they keep giving. But my friends here at work and my neighbors have been the most awesome experience. I feel closer to them now then ever before. And Bev. What can you say about her. We are closer now then ever before. I love her so much, as all the rest of you. Sorry for the rambling. Thanks for your support. It means more than you can ever know.
Hey Ken, Keep the faith. As I said before, don't be in a rush to get out of the hospital. Stay as long as the drs think you need to, don't leave until You feel like you can handle being out in the world. Both you and Bev need to take it easy for awhile. When you do get to leave, stay home for awhile. Cancer takes a lot out of you, and having H1N1 on top of it, well... All you need to think about is you. I know a gal who had a reacurrance of breast cancer and she quit working while undergoing chemo and radiation because she said she neede to focus all her energy on herself and nothing else. Thats what you need to do. Bev needs to focus on herself as well. Being a caregiver is very stressful, so she needs take care of her so she can take care of you. Cancer is a journey which nobody wants.
ReplyDeleteNo matter the outcome, life will never be totally normal again. The important thing is to keep your mind focused on the fact that you will get better, and that you will live and not die. Stay positive. I know it's hard for both of you with whats going on, I also know from experience that life does get better, and better as you go on.
Ken - we have seen you go through good days and bad, but I can honestly say that you are one of the most optimistic people I have ever met. You might not be able to see that today, but I know it's still within you. You have the support of your wonderful wife, your family, your friends, your neighbors and the community. We will hold you up on the days you need it. We are here for you in whatever capacity you need us to be. We will be strong for you on the days you can't be, and we will believe for you on the days you are doubtful. Your health and your optimism will return. No worries, my friend - many brighter days are ahead for you!
ReplyDeleteOh Ken. What a scary time this must be. You truly have shown an abundance of optimism over the course of your treatment so far. It's ok to take a break from that for a little while. But you'll fight this too. We're very proud of you and the strength you've shown during this challenge. Give yourself a break!
ReplyDeleteTake care,
Sara
Good Morning Kenneth.
ReplyDeleteJust checking in to say all of us love and miss you very much! And now, it's time to play a quick game of: Kenneth Trivia Pursuit! You have 10 seconds on the clock for each question. For each correct answer, you get a Big Hug over the Internet from all of us to you; for each incorrect response, you still get a Big Hug, so, you can't loose. And now to the tune of Jepardy"
1)Remember when Rickey broke his arm and was in the emergency room? Remember that infamous wheelchair ride you took down the hall, flying past the guy in the window, and you thought I was still behind you, and you found you were flying all by yourself???
2) Remember your beuatiful piano concert, when all of the sudden you stopped in mid-stream and said, "Woops, I made a boo boo!"
3) Rember that famous football game when you were sliding in for a tackle and touchdown. Mom and me were watching from the sliding glass door, rooting you on and thinking you were so cute in your little helmit and football geer. We rooted you on even more when you made that fantastic touchdown. We were just so oblivious to the fact, you tackled the sprinkler head instead!!!
So, to the most fantastic brother and uncle, talented concert pianist, and fantastic family man, our love and continued prayers and support go to You and the Family for a Wonderful Day, experience God's Healing from the top of your head to the souls of your feet, and all your Hopes and Dreams Come True!!!!
We Love You! God Bless You All!
Cathey, Rhonda, Jordan, Cody, Samson & Delilah (Hermit Crabs), Racer (Red Ear Slider Turtle), and of course Rita and Pepi La Poo say, "We Too!"